I found a gentle breeze in my drafts folder. I hate it when I misfile things.

British joke writing coach: If you want bangers, you got to grind a lot of sausage, innit?

Sometimes I think letting people who don’t care about human misery run things was a bad idea

this is one of the main failures of post apocalyptic stories, particularly The Walking Dead

those who believe the only thing that keeps people from murdering each other is the existence of laws are the ones telling on themselves

humans have only ever survived through cooperation

every night at 11pm, in an effort to tell me to "go to bed," my phone drains itself of color like one of the dying. and every night, instead of going to bed *or* turning the feature off, i get mad about it

I just heard “human cloning” as Hume Cronyn.

People want meaning out of life but aren’t even willing to put in the work to get blood from a turnip

The meaning of life— like that’s going to help.

🕯️
🕯️ 🕯️
funniest
🕯️ 420 🕯️
ever
🕯️ 🕯️
🕯️

first date idea: you come over and take the trash out for me bc im sleepy

to defeat math you need to think like a number

Me: ...at the time we lived in a gay neighborhood

12YO: "Gay neighborhood?"

15YO: It's a neighborhood that's attracted to another neighborhood of the same gender

Waving a net around and seeing what words I can catch and pin to the wall

controversial opinion, but a lot of people are really great and cool, online

the great snacksby

im going to make plans to go out next week because future me has likely pissed me off and deserves it

Sometimes I just need to go somewhere dark and cold and infinite

Not now babe, I'm sorting my pills for the week

speak softly and carry a big stick of butter

The energy between us is orange cat.

Is anything that’s wood with food on it a charcuterie board or

the kind of shrooms that make you realize you should have been a tree

I'm not a serial killer. I can stop any time I want to

I turned notifs on for people who are always here. So basically, we live together now.

the special kind of funny where you can make everyone laugh at a party even when you're sad

I got kicked out of swim class when I was asked to demonstrate a breast stroke.

Just saw a video of how to turn a water bottle into an emergency bidet… thought of you

[me, complimenting someone] well, at least you’re not AI

A centipede that's wearing super cute leggings

We really missed out by never casting Tim Curry as James Bond.