and like, I've mentioned multiple times how having control of my size, etc, placed into the hands of a friend is Really Hot, and it Really Is, so this is probably folks trying to push that button, which is nice!

But it almost never really lands, oops

Like I get that people are just trying to egg me on and play in the spaces I'm mentioning, and I appreciate that a lot, but it feels like any time I mention wanting to be a particular size, for example, there's always five people to go "twelve feet tall? Why not twelve MILES?"

and I'm just, nah

a little irritated about how I'm never allowed to mention what I'm in the mood for on this site without people saying "yeah but what if (something more extreme)?" or "yeah but what if (something completely opposite)?"

I need to be fixed - all evidence points to me being just-plain Not Good Enough as I am

today is Emi's birthday, which is :D

it's also the birthday of my late grandfather, who died while I was half a world away and I was unable to see him to give a final goodbye, so that's very much on my mind as well

but I'm trying to focus on the positives <3

had a minor breakdown while company was here because I overwhelmed myself these past few days and just couldn't handle....existing?

love being sick forever, it's the best, can't wait for this to be my forever

And now it's feeding into another Mental Weakness I have, yay! It sucks hearing so many things all the time that people say Must Apply To Everyone and it just, doesn't apply to me. It sucks! "Everyone loved this/did this/experienced this" wow hey, that's NEVER been me. I must not be a person then!

and like. What they described can definitely lead to burnout! It's a fine thing to say! But asserting that that must be true for EVERYONE sucks. You can't make those claims, it's just gross.

I've always had the problem of NEEDING to burn my candle at both ends and that led to a major episode of burnout I'm still not recovered from years later! The number of people I've worked for who I could describe as "not caring about me" is VANISHINGLY small, so don't say this is their fault, ewww!

oh I LOVE blanket statements confidently made about mental problems I've suffered for years.

Someone saying "you don't burnout from working hard, you burnout from giving your all to people who don't care", and

no, I'm pretty sure I'm burnt out because I work too hard.

if we're talking about me, I whipped up a design I actually really like! I modelled myself after a fuel tanker, 'cause the idea of being able to supply friends with extra energy is a) very important to me, and b) extremely easy to make sizey and hot <3

Yeah, you and a lot of other good folks I know are history buffs and enjoy vehicles and things used in past wars. And I don't see anything wrong with that! But somehow applying that to a character like this introduces a hitch I'm having trouble getting over.

all this said, I have seen aeromorphs based on German WW2 planes, and whatever the intent is, that goes STRAIGHT in the heebie-jeebies pile

but then I think about all the violent fiction I sometimes enjoy, some of it being as close to real-world stuff as these plane people, and wonder why I don't feel gross about that when I do feel gross about what I've been talking about.

I dunno!
It's amazing what the human brain will do :V

in 90% of the cases, I'm sure the people with those characters are not in it for the enjoyment of the real-world-murder-machine-iness, and I'm not about to start stuff over it with anybody, but I don't think I can enjoy a character whose real-world counterpart is made to kill people

trying to make sense of the two truths in my head: "aeromorphs are a pretty nifty idea" and "it's extremely gross to me that so many of those designs are based off of actually-existing military death machines"

I often hear the very good advice of "make art for yourself, don't care what others think," and yeah that's good, but this is also my Job and I want to make things that other people will want to buy so I don't burn my candle away again doing nothing but commissions.

Working with a single client at a time, like with commissions, is something I can do very well at. Most clients I've had have come away happy, and that's something I'm proud of :>

But I really wanna be able to do other things with my art, and I'm just Not There. Maybe one day.

I do generally struggle making things for other people to be interested in, especially with sales in mind. Comics, adoptables, YCHs, they all kinda do very Middling because I just have No Idea what people want and how to give it to them.

the thing is, I'm making these Eeveelution designs partially with the intent of selling them as adoptables, but I know there won't be much interest because I'm not making them Sexy and/or Extra enough

so I'm tempering my expectations as hard as I can

feeling sad and useless, weh

I should probably not have tied negative elements of myself into representations that others find appealing and sometimes horny, 'cause it makes things awkward sometimes :v

But it's as true-feeling to me as possible!

big sharkbrain tonight - I gotta be WORKING, what am I sitting around doing NOTHING for? Resting is being lazyyyyyy

haha oh boy incredibly anxious outta nowhere

it's less that being sick makes me angry at myself, and more that being sick keeps me from doing the one thing that makes me feel worthy of being alive, and THAT makes me angry

absolutely nothing, that's the thing! My brain just Destroys Itself regularly for no reason, and there's nothing I can do but weather it. I slept some and that helped a bit, but I'm still not doing great

Mad at myself, and also unrelatedly feeling like I should apologize to people for everything

And like, of course Everyone Else is not some monolith, but dang if it sure doesn't feel that way all the time! There's All Of You and then there's a me, and trying to find a space where I can be part of the same group y'all are in is just constantly impossible. Weh!

Is there media that has deeply affected me? Of course. But the stuff that's dug into my heart and the stuff that's dug its way into everyone else's heart is never the same, and that's a big arena in which I just don't get to relate to folks in.

which, on its own, is a minor thing. "oh no, art affects different people differently", whatever, what a stupid thing for me to complain about. But it happens So Often with So Many pieces of art that I just can't relate to like everyone else that it makes me feel I must be broken.