A looksmaxxing Transformer, call it Vehicular *catapults phone into the sun

Fractures Emerge Between GOP’s Pro-Pedophilia, Extremely Pro-Pedophilia Wings

Are you telling me Tim made this curry?

But never mind — here’s three free months of credit monitoring.

Admittedly that 3 months is already covered by the 5 other entities that have leaked your personal information this year.

Staging a piece of floss between my molars so the dental hygienist doesn't even ask

My vote for president will go to whoever runs on the following agenda
1) every time your credit card info is breached, you get that monthly credit card payment waived

2) every time your mortgage company sells your mortgage, so you have to set up on a new portal, you get your month's mortgage paid

They should invent a new kind of medicine that makes you better, instead of the old kind that just suppresses your symptoms until you run out of money.

It's heartbreaking to realize that of the 500 million hard-working pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are currently legal.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Come mr tickle man tickle me banana

alexa release the hounds

I’m reanimating life with dark magic if you wanna swing by

Came home from work late last night and almost slipped on a banana peel climbing into bed with my wife. Going to confront my neighbor, Gary Banana

Tried to talk "by the power of Greyskull" into our wedding vows

asking ai what words someone should say if they hypothetically wanted to get ai to successfully delete itself

Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol More Time At Office Means Less Time For Whiskey, Beer

Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol theonion.com/increased-work-commitmen...

I can either disappoint you traditionally or we can develop a customized plan that fits your needs

*taking a drag on a cigarette and a swig from a bottle in antarctica*

me: ok, here's the thing...

This day in history. 1966. Monty Python's Michael Palin married Helen Gibbins. The maid of honour maintained her poise when rather than catching a bouquet of flowers she was slapped in the face with a rather ripe halibut.

FAFO World Cup 2026

How many times a day do you have to pretend not to see something for the sake of your mental well-being? Is it seven hundred thousand?

*finds a tick sucking my blood*
I still got it

Senate Blocks Iran War Powers Resolution for Fourth Time The measure failed 47-52, with Republican Rand Paul joining all of the Democrats except John Fetterman.

The Party of War: Republicans (and AIPAC's John Fetterman) blocked ending Trump's Iran war for the 4th time. 52-47.

6,000 dead. Gas prices soaring. 60% oppose it.

Meanwhile, the betting sites give Dems 54% odds to take Senate in Nov. (Up from <20% Mar 2025)

We are winning
time.com/article/2026...

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

"Show us your tits!" I squeal, as I elbow my way through the crowd and into the aviary.

if Bruce Lee was still alive, you know JD Vance would tell him to be careful when discussing Jeet Kune Do

At least tonight I have storms to blame for my insomnia instead of the terror of meaningless existence

I’m sorry but the rest of your life is going to be spent finding out about some new weird annoying guy, and then finding out he died

Open message to any squirrels that might be reading this: It's OK to let me approach you, I mean you no harm, in fact I believe we could one day become powerful allies