[commenting on a porn video] *you’re

HIM: I’m dating Stephanie now
ME: Right
HIM: So you can’t sit with me at lunch
ME: What about jerking you off behind the gym?
HIM: That’s fine

If you don’t like my piercings you can just take your dick out of my nose

FRIEND: Would you be interested in going to a sex party?

ME: How is this different from a regular party?

FRIEND: You have sex with random people right there at the party.

ME: How is this different from a regular party?

I did a tweet about sucking dick in a 7/11 parking lot and a guy DMed me, “I need to hear this story!” I’m like, you just did.

You’re a married man, there’s no way I’m showing you BOTH of my tits

A DM so bad, even the dick pic has bad grammar

I’ve never traded sex for money but one time I sent someone a vagina pic in exchange for a favstar subscription

I don’t need to be the one you send nudes to, I just want to be the friend who checks your nudes to make sure they’re good to send

Having a dick in my mouth is so fucking funny. Yes, I know it’s sexy and omg so hot and blah blah blah, but also: hilarious

Sorry I ate your boyfriend’s cum but honestly. Someone gives me a cookie, I don’t go around and ask the name of every single guy who jerked off on it.

I’m naked under my clothes. Not in them, under them. I am lying naked underneath a pile of clothes.

Why are guys obsessed with pussy and then it’s like their 6th favorite place to finish

Guy offers a dick pic, you say ok. So he sends it and asks for your nudes. You tell him no, and he’s like then why the fuck did I send you mine? I DON’T KNOW, STANLEY, WHY DID YOU

I would never make a move on someone else’s boyfriend/husband but nothing in the rulebook says I can’t lean my titties into a hug a little

A vagina pic so close up that it isn’t even sexy, it’s just kind of like… what the fuck is that

When I was a teen my neighbor said he’d introduce me to real “grown-up sex” but he just wanted to fuck me like any other guy, he wasn’t shoving tax returns up my ass

I used to go skinny-dipping with friends at midnight and everyone else was invisible in the dark but my big round pale white boobies glowed in the moonlight

In college I went to a “naked party” and everyone was in bikinis and sheer tops, I was literally the only one bush-out naked and a senior girl told me I was “making people uncomfortable”

Can we be real for a minute, tittyfucking is mostly the guy jerking off

How dare you

Why does this app have so much upslut

Why are the soup sizes cup or bowl when cup sizes were right there? We could have had a B-cup of chicken noodle or a double-D of beef barley.

People often ask if my tweets are true stories, so here’s a rule of thumb: if it’s about me being a slut in high school, it’s true. If it’s about me being a slut now, I’m lying, it actually happened in high school.

Once this guy was sexy-texting me and I said “slurp slurp” – he asked if that was me sucking his dick and I said no, in my fantasy I’m drinking a milkshake

“I feel seen” she said, flashing her tits

GOTH KID: Hey would you get naked in my basement this Thursday

ME: Sure whatever

GOTH KID: It’s for a ceremony honoring the dark lord Satan

ME: Cool cool. Will there be Oreos

To the random guys who DM me: You will never ever ever ever ever ever EVER get nudes from me

To the random guys who DMed me and did get nudes: SHHHHH

Closer

Nope