my son’s karate instructor has just acquired my wife through the transfer portal

THEO VON: I was told that if I got $500 worth of Visa Gift Cards and gave them to the guy on the phone then they would reactivate my social security number. This is not what I voted for..

just FYI the name of this Taco Bell item fits perfectly to the chorus of Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

the violent Golfer on the Pitt is actually a Terminator sent from the future to kill Langdon and end the addict discourse

tried watching this “One Battle After Another” Movie and turned it off after about twenty seconds.. honestly dgaf about some dumbass water tower with the letters WB on it

(guy that thinks Goldmember won Best Picture this year instead of OBAA) ok so not only did Sinners lost Best Picture but it lost to a movie that LITERALLY glorifies Fat Bastard

TIMOTHY CHALAMET: nobody gives a fuck about a guy cranking an organ grinder.

ME: you stupid fucking piece of shit

TIMOTHY CHALAMET: and nobody gives a fuck about the monkey with a little hat going around and collecting tips

ME: philistine. Uncultured Swine

every CEO needs to make an awkward video where they are forced to eat their product. McDonald’s. Burger King. Goodyear.

CAMPING CHAIR: I am the ultimate chair for portable relaxation

CAMPING CHAIR WITH A CUPHOLDER IN THE ARMREST: hold my beer..

um.. are you ok? You’ve hardly worn your baby shoes

when your nemesis has you captured and dead to rights the best thing to do is a Fucking Awesome Move that immediately turns the tables

Mister President- this military action in Iran is disgusting and unthinkable and inhumane. Unless you followed the correct process. In which case, yay bomb those kids!!

ummm ok Trump if you’re sending all of our troops to Iran then who the hell is going to shoot me in the head when I forget to bring my third grade report card to vote on Election Day

me and Donald Rumsfeld are doing Jagerbombs after I won gold medal in Olympic Bloody Knuckles

BRITISH GUY IN THE EPSTEIN FILES: I’ve lost me job and they’re sending me to Saint William’s Prison for Criminal Nonces

AMERICAN GUY IN THE EPSTEIN FILES:
- shirt off ✅
- wet jeans on ✅
- chugging milk with the “you can do it!” Guy from The Waterboy ✅

if I were a billionaire with his own island I would invite all of the worlds most powerful people to come watch me and my wife have consensual missionary sex

(after remembering that it’s Mark from down the hall’s birthday) Hall Mark ass holiday..

the first thing we want AI to do is replace stuff we like such as art and music. Why not focus on it replacing stuff we don’t like first, such as AI and CEOs that talk about AI

I love that conservatives made a special halftime show just for idiots. They should do that with more stuff. The Oscars but for Idiots. New Years Rockin Eve but for Idiots. Young Sheldon for Idiots

1984 was a documentary

the internet is dead lol

holy shit. The divorce proceedings that occurred during the Kid Rock alternate halftime show were actually real

Stafford had a great year, but gonna be honest there were several players I think were more deserving of an MVP award than these daughters

me and the boys got 400 canisters of Clorox wipes and we’re going sicko mode on the Air BnB’s septic tank

Thank you TP USA for offering an Uncle Kracker concert as an alternative to my daughter’s dumbass piano recital

being sued into the poorhouse by the Cardboard Box Factory that just fired me because they say I stole the box I used to carry out my belongings

ok everyone please stop asking me about my sinister network of billionaire perverts and please start asking me about my wife’s documentary

Oh hell no.. Elmer is losing his shit right now. He is so pissed that Wascally Wabbit is doing the Super Bowl halftime show

(my family surprising me with an intervention for my bath salts habit) something about this feels organized… coordinated by some sort of secret leftist network

And the winner for best original screenplay is Darren Aronofsky for “John Wick meets Home Alone kid meets Harry Potter dead eyed faces no coherent plot slow motion everything centered and looks like a credit card commercial ok generate a whole movie go”