I went to a fancy restaurant and found out they only serve flapjacks. That's what they call oat cuisine.

None of that for me. I'll be leaving my body to archaeology, thank you very much.

When you donate your body to science, make sure you check which one. My great-uncle ended up in food tech.

why does every single gorilla have more aura than me

Just found out Matalan was founded by two middle-aged blokes called Mat and Alan and that's definitely true don't look it up

If your parents get divorced and you become a born-again Christian, do you get retroactively bastardised

Outside of a Tesco (small petrol station one, if you must know), there is, advertised for sale, "Winter fuel." and "Seasonal Fresh Flowers". It is currently mid April.

Based on the available evidence, I'm not sure I trust these flowers to be in the *right* season.

Spare a thought for the people who will never know what their elbow tastes like 😔

Just invented a new kind of revolving door with a horizontal axis instead of a vertical one. Not only is it inconvenient and dangerous, it's also considerably more expensive.

AI-generated picture of a pipe, with a bowl at both ends, labelled with gibberish that could conceivably be meant to read, "ceci n'est pas une peinture d'une pipe"

ChatGPT: you’re right you’re so much smarter than him. He’s so schlubby and you’re so suave. Columbo will never catch you.

Is Cup-a-Soup wet powder or dirty water

They say you die twice in this world - once when your shitty Netflix special is recorded and again when it goes out

If fiber is healthy for us then asbestos surely must be a super food

“All-or-nothing” AuDHDer going for “nothing” again An AuDHD student who describes themselves as an "all-or-nothing" person has chosen "nothing" again, eyewitnesses have claimed. Des Ackerman, 20, reportedly struggles to start assignments unless they…

An AuDHD student who describes themselves as an “all-or-nothing” person has chosen “nothing” again, eyewitnesses have claimed.

the passive voice store was visited by me and you were known by everybody there

HBO is my favourite American TV network and it’s also the reason Steps split up

I don't like those weird ass voy adverts, can I change them

You know who has been suspiciously quiet about all this lately? The prehistoric salt water crocodile

I'm so healthy they call me Clean Bill

People say not to play with your food, which must suck if you're a hungry, hungry hippo

What kind of time will he be doing

Don't go telling people, but I can get you the keys to Kevin Bacon's holiday home. I know a guy who knows a guy.

Oh yeah, I'd totally forgotten that lmao. Greg in his old man era fr

I'm not sure I remember this!

That live task was the best 15 minutes of my life. Genuinely, experiencing that in real time with no music from a fixed vantage point, I've never had so much fun in my life.

Fumin

Can't wait to find out the context behind tonight's Taskmaster episode title. I forgot.

People are scared to buy high-quality mints off me in case the police think it's a drug deal. I've had to resort to underhanded TicTacs.

The series does not truly begin until episode 3 and I've always said that