Go go gadget Klonopin

We are going to have a Christmas like the fucking March sisters this year. Hope everyone enjoys their $85 oranges.

The moment I take off my pajamas to get dressed, I’m kind of bummed I’m not still wearing pajamas.

When I die, my husband is going to find my hair in random places for years.

Going on America’s Got Talent to show them how well I can fake smoke.

Should I wake my husband to ask him what he would say to me if I ever won star baker on the great British baking show? He’d probably be fine with me waking him for that. Personally it doesn’t feel like an insane thing to do.

This doesn’t count towards my rant!!!!!

It’s conclave season, baby!

Have started calling fruit for breakfast White Lotus Style because I’m white and a little sad, too :)

Really is Springtime for Hitler rn

Love this guy

An announcement about the Kate Spade x Target collab and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

I’ve been waiting my whole life for this. This is what I was built for. It’s my destiny.

I might buy this one so you can see her IRL.

Weird porcelain turtle lady with a teddy bear by her ass.

I have a similar one with a “bear” ass.

Wiretap was the best

I have to. I’m compelled.

I am the Meghan markle now

Decided to make cherry preserves on a whim tonight. Will number the jars so my husband is confused.

When you’re just going to Trader Joe’s, but your eye makeup is an extra in Anora.

Look, I know there is a lot going on right now, BUT it is very important everyone knows that the waitress where my husband and I ate tonight absolutely hated me. As a chronic people pleaser, understand I am gutted. I will, however, persevere. There’s always next time. Unless I die before then.

Probably everyone does which is why so many seem to be closing.

Don’t forget our favorite Bristol Farms!

My hair looked so bad today I only had two options: wash it or die. And since that asteroid is no longer hitting Earth EVEN THOUGH IT PROMISED, I washed my hair.

Are we having fun yet?

Candle being lit that says it smells like “good old gamer rage.”

Babe, I bought you the incel candle that smells like BO for Valentine’s Day 🥰

Gotta save one for later 😏

I’ll just treat myself to two fake cigarettes.

I have written about 1000 words today, and I like 563 of them which for me is huge.

Of all the movies I loved as a kid, I never thought I’d get stuck in a crossover of Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II, teaming up with Dr. Evil if he also thought he was the Love Guru.

To think, this was just eight days ago. A Chanukah of Naivety.

Probably smart. I get lost a lot.