Hateful as a default personality is so ugly. God don't like ugly.

I put the ex in sexy

...Am I doing this this right?

(Trying to eat steak)
"Honey, can you get me an Amazon box opener?"

Him: "You mean a knife??"

(Like Ariel looking at a dinglehopper) "Knife?"

You do not even have to believe in your parachute, it just opens. That is the new mindset. Side effects include silverware, confetti, a flag that pops out to say bang like that's all that's going to happen. But you'll be fine. Slowly Going Downinex, a meds you catch in your mouth.

Hot liquids in your area want to scald you.

square dancing was proto-swinger culture btw. your grandparents were sick freaks

thank you for interacting with my posts, which triggers my powerful manic state and enables me to do more crimes

Have you ever heard the horrifying sound of jello being shredded?

The "clouds follow you when you're sad" crowd sure is quiet about this "cheer the fuck up" wave

I'm tired of people telling I look tired so now I respond with "Well, you on the other hand, always look very refreshed." And when they thank me, I like to add that being a good person is exhausting.

A man with red hair and a mustache is alarmed as he looks over his shoulder, where people behind him by in particular, a screaming old woman in a yellow dress, who says, “find and fancy words coming from something as unlike anything I’ve ever seen on earth here now! How are we to know that YOUR not the EVIL?!“

Bro, you don't even twist like we did last summer.

This craft beer costs more than a regular six-pack but at least it's a four-pack.

i ' m g o i n g t o g o o u t o n a l i m b h e r e

-sloths, probably

Ned Flanders at the gym just killing it with diddly-squats

As I entered an office building for a job interview, I heard the song Bad Company playing in the lobby. If there was ever a sign to turn around and walk out, this was it.

*walking into party supply store*

Where’s your pity section?

Something something the American dream something

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Please don’t talk to me until I’ve finished this bottle of wine.

Accounting should be in the 2036 summer Olympics.

remember how your parents used to condemn the person you were dating by saying they were going nowhere. how fucking blissful does that sound now

Random Salad (high calorie version)

One word to describe your account + your favorite food

Cringe Wrap Supreme

INTERVIEWER: congrats you got the security guard job

ME: *already asleep on a folding chair*

INTERVIEWER: whoa hang on you don’t start until monday

Chlorine (Mexico City) Twenty One Pilots · Chlorine (Mexico City) · Song · 2019

open.spotify.com/track/4hhc1r...

Lilac Wine Jeff Buckley · Grace · Song · 1994

Trying to move, but

open.spotify.com/track/1StXVL...

Wait, Wait, Wait Joel Plaskett · Three · Song · 2009

Me, trying to talk when I'm drunk

open.spotify.com/track/0QtHKx...