any girl reading this, at any point in time . i wish i could bring you all the love and the comfort and safety in the world. im crying right now as im typing this, because i know it will never be that simple. but please give me strength, and i will try to give you mine

it's so taxing to live with this fear . there are people and places i sometimes wish i could go back to, where i felt less alone . but i had to make some really hard decisions, and this is what i chose . now i just need to keep going . i have to keep trying

im sorry for veering into this kind of tone . it hurts my heart so much to think a girl might see this and internalize more of that negative pressure herself . but smtimes i j need an outlet for my own difficult feelings (although i do ofc think there are more and less productive ways to go do this)

but i just have to try . in whatever stunted capacity i can . i'm so fucking afraid, because i don't know if i really can, but i just have to try to get this next segment right. if i can't do this right i feel like i'd just want to give up on everything so i just have to. i just fucking have to

i'm so fucking scared

how the stakes are different, all the traps in the road waiting ahead of me, how fucking costly it would be to fuck up, etc etc.

he tried to comfort me and i just kept saying "i am under so much pressure" . and he didnt understand . which i wasnt upset about, i knew he wouldn't

ive made one friend irl since moving here last year . he (i typically wouldnt but hes a special case, v particular reasons) didnt realize i was trans before and a few weeks ago i told him mid-convo in what i intended to be a very nonchalant way, but then i just broke down and started crying

or if i cant do everything required to succeed

because i know whats waiting for me if i ever let that happen

i feel sad and scared a lot . i have opportunities and i have a future i can reach for, im grateful for that . but the pressure is so, so much. i wake up every day and i feel it weighing on me. days come and go where i feel like im going to crack or i cant try anymore and it makes me feel so afraid

im sad i cant post about my feelings on tumblr anymore. its just too different now

im scared about the future, i just have to do my best though and pray that things work out

im quite sad, i will give myself a day or two to mope and then i have to pick things back up and keep going

got some really disappointing news today . did not come as a surprise but still hurts nonetheless

im not naive, i fully understand why impersonality and parasociality arise naturally from structural factors as the ubiquitous social norms here. and im not saying theres something inherently wrong or bad about those features,

Diving 🐟🐱

but the avenues for showing casual care or kindness in those moments are just. so frustratingly limited on these kinds of places. it has been so, so distressing for me to have to reconcile with that

there are things that have been hard . when there is even just like. a single person in my vicinity who i can tell is hurting, i stop wanting to socialize normally bc it would make me too upset to just ignore it and carry on

last thread cont., i dont mean i intend to ditch tmblr; that blog is a piece of my heart and im happy w/ what ive tried to represent there, however imperfectly and hypocritically (both very ofc). however things develop from now, i feel light and v appreciative of the connections ive made

weh i dont like the char limit i cant express myself how i want

​

​ and the waves

​ 唰，唰

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it was like catching falling sand

ive been reflecting a lot recently on it recently . for a long time i tried so hard to make everyone who reached out to me try to feel at least a little bit seen and cared for, even if i wasnt going to try to be friends, but it was like trying to catch falling sand .

i dont think i would mind a fresh start . just having a few people on here instead of starting from pure void like i did last year makes me feel so safe and comfortable

bjeh

i really, really dont like followers and following being public

its quiet