Every time I get my paycheck my shields regenerate

I overheard my coworkers talk about how they’re emissaries from hell sent to bring suffering into my life. I need your help

HR: and that was a private conversation you eavesdropped on?

(God three beers in) look at that guy over there by the counter (finger snap) cursed his ass just now. Tough life ahead buddy

Satan: not funny, man

Vishnu: (losing his shit) classic god moment

Ahead of the Boston marathon

I’m not “loitering” I’m learning your porch’s lore

My high school bully grew up to become a barber and now whenever I walk by his shop he yanks me inside by my hair and gives me a flawless crew cut

(to the other person in the elevator) thanks for riding this with me

(small talk with an oracle) any new prophecies lately

It’s so embarrassing hearing my neighbors hold a ritual to resurrect Amon Ra and saying hi to them in the apartment hallway the next day like nothing happened

(Using my God machine to erase an opp from every possible timeline) rip bozos

Was waiting for my boyfriend at a thrift store and saw a guy walk into a bathroom stall and two slightly smaller guys come out shortly after

My doctor keeps sending me bills and calling me his healthy little paypig

White breasted nuthatch + gardens in bloom

Musky is Bouba. Pike is Kiki

Friday night to myself

Staircases

While I was at Goodwill today a song came up on the radio and a bunch of men started humming to it in sync and for a sec it felt like there was hope left

The Humble-bragging Customer Service: We’re experiencing such a high volume of calls omg lol

Girls love it when a guy digs a network of subterranean tunnels. The deeper underground, the better

(jolting awake, breathing heavily)

Gf: so how’d it go? please tell me you fixed his heart

(shaking head) his mental barriers are impossibly strong. He might be a Dream Master... and I think I pissed him off

(Landlord texting me) rent’s going up

nervously googling is it bad to swallow 150,000 chewing gum sticks

Crossing

⅄⅄⅄

(emailing HR) Can you ask my coworker if he wants to be my friend

Fake ass hater I saw you marveling at existence

It’s so embarrassing hearing my neighbors hold a ritual to resurrect Amon Ra and saying hi to them in the apartment hallway the next day like nothing happened

(Showing suspect lineup to witness) alright buddy, fuck-marry-kill

Disappointed to discover that “the cloud” isn’t real. It’s just a bunch of computers. You can’t send emails to the cloud and especially it can’t fall in love with you

From Chinatown

Hey can I come hang out tonight

My friend: you only ever ask to come over when you want to use my bidet

(Packing a second roll of toilet paper in my backpack) you’re my friend