fighting the patriarchy by not telling the men about the indoor seating area on a chilly, windy day

first date idea: we take shrooms and google obituaries of people who share our names

One time I got really high with friends and we went for a walk in the cemetery at night and I found a headstone with my name on it

mark zuckerberg has the face and hair of a medieval king who was maced to death at the battle of harlotsbridge and found buried with a special tiny sword because he was too weak to hold a full-size one because his parents were cousins

Me: Swimming in the Aegean, my cruel but stunning mistress watching me from the beach.

Hiring Manager: ….And where do you see yourself SIX years from now?

I'll take "That's just another way of calling me fat" for $500, Alex.

turns out saying “my neural pathways have become accustomed to your sensory inputs” does not get you laid

*trying to brick fortunado into the wall of my cellar using air dry clay* I’m going to need you to hold still for about 24-72 hours bud

[me, complimenting someone] well, at least you’re not AI

I'm not a jealous person unless you are better than me or have something I want.

The amount of water in baby carrot bags feels performative

i am once again asking you all to help me kill the sun

I know I say things and think differently
than most people. I also repeat myself a lot.
I don’t do this to bring attention to myself
but to help others better understand my life
with autism. And maybe I can even help
someone else overcome their own battles.

It slices! It dices! And it's shiny and pretty!

Simon says:

you’re looking for you soulmate i’m looking for my soupmate we are not the same

Sweet!

are you telling me this scallion can rap

I thought it was made BY demons

ME: (shivering, stripped naked and tied to a chair) Drag queens have pretty privilege…
CIA AGENT: Again. Do another.
ME: Please, I can’t, I—
CIA AGENT: (dousing me with a bucket of ice water) Another take! Hotter!
ME: (sobbing) Dating someone who needs glasses is a predatory power imbalance…

vf

Our lady of perpetual goddamnit

vf

vf*

*cute and probably helpful

vf

vf

Absolutely. I would never reveal your identity.

Those same men ridicule me for being single, as if it weren't a very deliberate and well-informed choice on my part. They only prove my point 🤷‍♀️