and all the subsidized housing we've applied for have made it clear that we can only have 1 pet so we have to choose between gracie or moose. and it would make the most sense to send gracie to live with our aunt cause she has other dogs and can afford her vet bills but also... i want both my babies!

mom wasn't a hoarder or anything but she would hold onto stuff. she held onto a bunch of baby/toddler things in case me or my brother ever had kids. sorry i can't write this train of thought coherently but i'm stressed the fucked out. i thought we'd at least have a year to grieve before havingtomove

going a little crazy with stress. even though it was 4 months ago i'm still heavily grieving mom. and now my brother and I are kind of being rushed into selling the house in the next couple months. the house i grew up in and spent most of my life in. and they're gonna get rid of so much stuff cause-

he's also weird about my transition. like he gets my name right but still calls me "my boy" or "my son"

mom grief been really really fucking bad the past couple days

and then theres the deep sleep dreams where its like 99% first person experiencing the whole thing first hand with often crazy realism (at least to my dream brain) mixed with my occasional recurring dream power. and last night it took till like 9am to get to a first person dream.

surface level sleep/dreams and the deep sleep/dreams. when i'm struggling to sleep the dreams are like 2d stuff. scrolling social media or reading discord or even watching a video, and as of a few days ago playing age of empires. stuff that in my brain hierarchy does feel like, lower tier somehow

and didn't realize how dependent i am on alcohol for falling deep asleep. like falling asleep sober from booze even with a lot of weed last night i would wake up every 2 hours and didn't get a deep sleep till hours later. and i've started to notice this weird dichotomy between the (contd)

took an alcohol break cause the other day i woke up early in the morning with like a weird, hollow numb feeling in my chest and i couldn't fall back asleep and after awhile i realized my heartbeat was really high and thats what was keeping me from falling asleep. like mind was tired but body couldnt

aough

im already lost without her. she is my best friend. up until yesterday, despite everything going on, i could still reach her via text. soo many times today i've had the urge to tell/send her something followed by a painful realization. and if she doesn't make i'm gonna feel this way for years

There's still a small chance a viable set of lungs comes in the next week but at this point im preparing for the fact that she's going to die soon and when I come visit tomorrow it will be saying my goodbyes

they've moved mom to the ICU and she's now using a feeding tube....

ive spent the past month or two like barely letting any tears out, and now this wave is hitting me so hard that i can't even. cry as hard as i need to no matter how hard i try. my eyes are sore and i already had a sore throat so my throat is even worse. everything hurts and its only the beginning

***half

i feel like have the people i know have awful terrible abusive mothers so what the fuck. why did all this happen to my mom, who is literally a saint???

super worried i won't get my license in time before mom has to go up to edmonton for the pre-transplant bootcamp

fuck real life stuff is all coming up and catching up to me... i wanna sit and be a useless neet forever but life won't let me anymore...

Art of Roxy Lalonde wearing her mothers scarf while happily falling into a Fenestrated plane; Roxy's dream self hanging out with Serenity; Trickster Roxy; God tier Roxy ontop of Calliope while cradling her head and looking longingly into her eyes; Roxy in her dress kissing Jane Crocker on the cheek; and Roxy chilling with a Martini in hand.

Roxy Lalonde my beloved <3

I'm thinking of making these into stickers, would that be something you are interested in?
#Homestuck #Calliroxy #CottonCandy

been getting really into calcium with vitamin D recently

it actually is really refreshing though when medical appointments are super professional and they don't ask weird questions about you being trans and are generally knowledgeable and accepting

it wasn't sexy or arousing btw that's not what i mean. just me lying there thinking "PLS DON'T THINK I'M A PERVERT WEIRDO FOR GETTING THIS TEST" while she probably looked at the 4th penis she'd examined that day thinking "huh. they're not usually on girls. oh well."

had to get a scrotum ultrasound today and it was so embarrassing. lubed up while lady doctor fondles around down there trying to find a lump

the problem with getting up this early (a good and productive thing to do) is that i'm completely lost on what to do with my time. i'm used to getting up around 1 pm and futtzing around for a few hours before starting on dinner prep

why did they give emma z-a the omorashi pants. on the official model its more obviously a design but i keep seeing fan art that makes me do a double take

the thing is i could afford the new pokemon when i get paid. it would just be the cost of a weeks worth of alcohol. which shouldn't be that much to sacrifice, but alas

moms gonna be hospitalized on october 30th... we don't know for how long yet. its mostly just to keep an eye on her at least

thanks dawn i'll keep that in mind and try to swing by soon ☺️

not really lonely but specifically left out i guess? like look at all the fun they're having. too bad i can't do that really difficult thing required to join in (click a button)

this isn't even a humiliation kink thing or anything. i didn't think she'd pull the sheet that far over and i was so embarrassed idkkk