Life pro tip: don’t be fat ugly or stupid

Is this the premium content you have been holding back from twitter

No

I ate the vaccine

Question for men: you meet a girl and discover that she elected to do a non-medical full mouth dental extraction is this a smash or a red flag

This is true

Just pick a dream from the vending machine

She smells like suntan lotion and gasoline

Crabs are ancient creatures that look so alien that they seem cursed. Like god is speaking through the crab and the message he is trying to impart is dark and terrifying

Happy birthday :)

I agree

Mood

Mine won’t be either

Last night I made out with a Russian bot. It was kinda nice

This is what I’ve been trying to say this entire time. Thank you.

Us: let’s be best friends and take out a shared life insurance policy

Everyone else: yehaw

Everyone else: on blast

Let’s forge an alliance

💕

I have crabs

Yes me I’m here let’s melt our brains into a big puddle

“Oh no not you go away”

Hello friends what type of seismic meltdown are we in the mood for today?