I’ve lost Hope and Faith

-Really bad babysitter

A pelican implies the existence of a pelican't.

It's me, I'm the pelican't.

Jazzercizing my demons

Tron. Only instead of a video game it’s an excel spreadsheet

I’m sorry, but “Bad Lieutenant” is an UNDERSTATEMENT.

Don Corleone: Someday…and that day may never come…I will call upon you to do a service—

Me: Here we go.

calm tf down, sunday. it’s still saturday night until i pass out.

Every fuckin' company's like, "We're sorry you didn't like our AI, but can we interest you in our AI?"

Got my tix to see crucial taunt and the shitty beatles at the gasworks tomorrow night!

like im shouting
cannonball at the
swimming pool:
TUMMY ACHE!!
*curls into ball*

Chekov's Giant Fuck-off Laser

procrastinating on filing my taxes just to feel something*

*existential dread

You look like a serial killer.

*followed*

*crosses fingers*

making a calzone for your
bday should be a pizza cake

It was the Mark of times, it was the Wayne of times.

Going to bed early so I can wake up early and wish you all a great day also I'm lying.

i’m down to party (eat entire bag of party size chips)

Gale must have been pretty annoying to have hurricane winds named after her

singing peaceful easy feeling to the guy in the car next to me who is flipping me off for reasons unknown

If I die before my cats, I want to be taxidermied and made into a cat tree

i drink a lot of different sodas but i think my favorite is baking

Pitch an unnecessary sequel

Apocalypse Now 2: Apocalypse 𝘕𝘰𝘸

what kind of sick fucking animal doesn’t give their pets middle names?

and bidet to you, sir

Mario and Luigi (RIP) sausages

Today is Mario Day (Mar10) so let us all take a moment to remember both Mario and his brother Luigi. They deserved better than this...

some music really transports me. like to another place of business bc they’re playing absolute trash on full blast.

Todays theme: oh fuuuuuuuck.

Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.

So tired of people saying my poems suck hey nobody forced them to come to Supercuts