A vigilante superhero that fights very specific crimes. Not muggings or murders, but if you’re parked within 15 feet of a fire station’s driveway? You’re dead. You’re so fucking dead.

I think I need to delete Instagram off my phone. This weird thing keeps happening where I open the app.

Every time I speak to my brother, who has been in prison for 14 years, I try my best to avoid saying, “How’s everything?” You know, because of the whole prison thing.

[Wendy’s chili being fed into me through an IV in my arm]

Started watching new Pokémon episodes and um????

Went to a Chinese restaurant that

1) had no tables
2) had a barrel with folded cardboard on top of it
3) was no bigger than a Pt Cruiser and
4) had horrible customer service.

And yes. It was some of the best food I’ve ever eaten.

Just saw the data and high-fives are at an all time low.

Low-fives/too slows? All time high.

We need a change.

I am begging for Earth to have a filler episode.

nothing can make me hate this city

like it’s creepy when living people make that noise

not that we have a choice but the last variety of ghost I’d want to haunt me is the kind from The Grudge

Better involve cool wooden balls

Like 30,000 less slurs were said

last night was a movie

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I would rather get in a fight with a dude who has a fully loaded gun than Jackie Chan holding literally anything.

Letterbros is the perfect name for them

We need new beans. I’ve had them all.

Genie: I can grant you three wishes.
Dude (who is easily distracted): Grant? Like Hugh Grant?
Genie: What?
Dude (who is easily distracted):
Love him.
Genie: What the fuck are you even talking about

its time for the best sweater I own

Your manic pixie dream girl energy will not get you out of this you are under arrest for manslaughter

Thank you for 600 followers. Let's aim for 666. No reason.

If you’re having a bad day just know it can get a lot worse.

This is a mugging. Hand it over.

Cannot express my love for lasagna without someone comparing me to Garfield. That fucking cat is ruining everything for me.

s’mores pop tarts were there for me when a lot of you were not.

bro you’re being very quirky are you alright

Guys. Thank you so much for 500 followers. I will let you down.

we should all have one

JUST BOUGHT THESE

I’m also in NYC and need some folks to jam with!