The Devil: hey man not sure what happened here but we're all out special places

Me: listen pal I was given SEVERAL reservations over to course of my lifetime

The worst part of this rainy weather is it gives the moon cloud cover while it hunts you.

drunk in the back of the carriage spilling mead everywhere

Pilot: hi sry due to gas prices this plane is crashing into a mountain

Revolutionary: hi sry due to gas prices this Molotov cocktail is now virgin

Vin Diesel: hi sry due to gas prices im only living 1/16 of a mile at a time

Getting kids to do their homework is hard cause they’ll just be like “I know how magicians saw people in half” & then it’s like well shit—fuck subtraction—tell me everything you know

Teach your child to swim, as someday they might be required to post through their tears.

I just want everyone to know that you don't need drugs to vomit and scream at the same time.

I don't know what it meant when I finally connected all the dots but it sure looked unlike I do visual story straightforwardly

There should be an app that matches people who are down with people who want to kick them while they are

As far back as i can remember I always wanted to win a million dollars in a lawsuit. To me, winning a million dollars in a lawsuit was better than being President of the United States

Optimistic enough to leave an aquarium outside for something to come over and live in, but super tasty optimistic enough for it to respect how I constantly monitor hope when I should induce vomiting

The sweetest thing ever told to me was when a drunk said I'm a double vision.

Opening old wounds to release some of this sewage water roiling through my veins.

Salad is not for sad days. Melting the cheese that is already in your mouth with a kitchen torch is.

Guy who only understands things in terms of Godzilla vs Mothra: okay but I need you to explain this to me like I'm Godzilla and you're Mothra

We've secretly replaced the Secretary of Defense with a drunken racist blogger. Let's see if anyone notices.

it kinda feels like someone should do something

I have not set foot on the moon

Hegseth speaking at press briefing with Trump watching

"Are you not entertained?"

wow amazing that america has already collected almost enough 9/11 Points to earn another 9/11

Paranoid A
nerd
r
o
i
d

VPN stands for Very Paranoid Nerd you did not hear this from me

MANUARY, A MONTH FOR MEN.

After work I do not walk to my car, I slink in the parking garage and descend to its depths, never overground estimate me

The only ppl getting raptured are the ones that left Britney Spears alone.

You can try to suck it back in all you want, but the darkness leaking from your nostrils is now bigger than the whole of us.