Posting a page from my Dad Joke calendar each day:

New Dice!!!

So … I procrastinated on a ticket at work last week because I started to overthink.
Dear readers, it took 3 simple lines of code and it was done.

Hola Palma de Mallorca!!

I just spent a month - A FUCKING MONTH - looking for my go-pro. Can’t find it. Replacement camera arrives in next few minutes and guess what I just found!

FML

How does one “illegally boycott” a product? Asking for a friend, obviously.

My list of sandwiches to make, reads like a roll call for a 70s TV fire brigade:
Ham, Spam, Strawberry Jam, Chicken, Pork & Egg

Fun fact - most of the gold in Ft Knox does not belong to the USA. It's just easier to keep it in one place and look after it for other nations that have bought it.

I always though that the Gulf of America was between Trump's ears

Ah, Leeds. The city that's going to kill me some time (according to some carnival mystic)

This move to Itallian Roast coffee in the US, implying that Italy grow it's own coffee is as funny as the english drinking Yorkshire tea, as they believe it was grown on the mountain slopes above Harrogate.

My boss passed me a ticket this afternoon to re-style and alter part of the website. It’s weighted at 3 days.
Little did he know that it was already done as part of a major project that he signed off. I’ll edit the database to make it live on Monday, a day ahead of schedule. Miracle worker.

Son: I’m going to cook something
Me: are you sure the quantity is right?
Son: I checked Twice

Also son:

My cats have just had Catnip Dreamies. Job done

The Shambles Fox (captured Boxing Day by 'York Photos')

#blutoid #York #fox #photography #shambles

Normally, I wouldn't give Farage a second glance, but he;s absolutely right about Musk and Tommy Robinson.

In England, if you hire illegal immigrants to work in your business, then you're going to get arrested. It's happened quite a few times in my local town.

To the Elongated Muskrat: you are an American Billionaire who doesn’t understand the common man. Please stay out of UK politics. They are quite different from US politics and are centred around the electorate, not your billionaire mates.
Politely; go away.

I had 2 account ya - personal and Work. I closed both.

Made 3 hot drinks. Got the correct mugs down, added sweetener, made 2 Teas and 1
Coffee.
IN THE WRONG MUGS.
WITH THE WRONG SWEENER QUANTITIES.

Not a good start!

What do you want for Sunday Dinner. Pork or Beef?

Me: Yes.

Inside Man and The Sting are my 2 favourite movies. Both heists, both different

I don’t want to people any more today. Certain ones can disappear for all I care.

3/

I spend £3 to £4 per cracker gift, find and print my own jokes, and either buy a cracker kit or disassemble a cheap box of crackers.
Each gift is thoughtfully purchased for the intended individual and come Christmas Day, everyone gets an extra present.
This is my 15th year running

2/

There is not a great deal of choice for gifts in crackers, and in my experience you end up swapping gifts anyway.

The gifts are cheap, plastic and nearly useless so get broken, lost or discarded within an hour.

It’s especially hard on the kids as there’s nothing for them.

1/

Since Christmas 2010 when deliveries and postal services were hampered by massive snowfall, I have without fail made personalised Christmas Crackers for everyone we sit down for a meal with on Christmas Day.

Originally this was to give a surprise gift to someone, but there are other reasons

All Christmas presents bought and wrapped. All crackers filled and ready to go. Bring on Christmas. Oh, also skint until end of January

I've been working on it for a *LONG* time

OK, I had to double-check that these were the actual lyrics. Man, the 80s were an insane time for songwriting

Trump really is Roko's Basilisk given form, isn't he!