I wish I loved anything half as much as little kids love showing you how fast they can run.

"Same" - me

still find it hard to believe that some people look down at their innocent newborn baby boy and think ahh yes I'll call him Geoff

This album changed the trajectory of my life so drastically at age 11 that 43 years later, I am opening a vinyl listing bar in Providence, Rhode Island called Murmur. IG: @murmurhifi

Thank goodness the order wasn't reversed: punch first, congratulate second.

I am going to run away fast right after you congratulate me.

[milking grimace] oh god too much milk

Authorities from the Tri-State Area have been notified and put on alert.

You, sir, are a monster.

It does and they are very thankful. I, on the other hand, am not very thankful. I am whatever the opposite of very thankful is.

This is very Draconian and my family is very upset

This has a nice background

Inventor of getting attacked by a bear: Hey let’s go for a hike in the woods
Inventor of not getting attacked by a bear: No thanks

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

dang exactly how much 69-ing did Bryan Adams do that summer??

this damn yellow to white gradient background 😡

Turtle 1: It’s cool how we always carry our house with us
Turtle 2: Which is also our coffin
Turtle 1: What the fuck’s wrong with you, Jeff?

👀

FOUND: Flying fish. Colorful feather-like scales. Can talk w/ limited vocab. Sneaky eyes. Refuses to stay in water.

Malcolm Towards The End

[hiking in bear-filled woods]
Friend: Wait do you have food in your pockets?
Me: Haha no why would I have ham in my pockets?
Friend: I didn’t say ham
Me: Ok detective

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zookeeper: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Take me down to the Paradox City where the grass is green and the grass isn't green

Boss: Let’s put this matter aside for the time being
Me: [looking around nervously] Can only you see the time being?
Boss: Huh?
Me: Is it standing near me?
Boss: Who?
Me: [on verge of panic attack] The time being

[inventing the hot air balloon] I don't give a fuck where I go

I am beyond happy that this added some positivity to your day! I hope things keep trending upwards!

well, it's your fault I'm going to start migrating this nonsense over to here.

that's some hot toast

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

hot dang you are precisely the fella, fella