My epistolary novel in progress is not happy with you as I open up a new Word Doc.

There are too many ways to make coffee.

I take a deeper breath trying to catch second hand cigarette smoke than I do before submerging in water. #SmokeFreeSince2014

Today I turn 35, an age I've told people I am for months because I genuinely forgot.

Anyone have the data on if squeegeeing one's shower door is actually doing anything?

People: I know I'm late, but Sinners (2025) is great, and I want to talk about it.

Me: I know I'm late, but Don Quixote (1605 & 1615) is great, and I want to talk about it.

Anyone know who the patron saint of getting sand out of water shoes in time for camp the next day is?

Me: My kids need to try new foods.
Also me: Who ate MY left over biryani?!

The moral of Home Alone is that parents can leave a child (8yo and up) and go to Paris. The kid will be fine.

My 5yo attends an art camp from 9:30 - 11:30 a.m.

That's it. That's the joke.

Me: Time to finish this epistolary novel draft before the semester beg—
Short Satire Ideas: LOOK OVER HERE!

Can we please workshop the phrase "gift link?' The subject of these articles are not exactly in keeping with the holiday spirit.

Before kids: I'm an atheist.
After kids: Please Allah, Jesus, Thor, Whoever, let there be more goldfish in the pantry.

Nothing makes a kid bored faster than receiving the toy they asked for.

Wife: What's your @mcsweeneys.net piece about?
Me: How our daughters can't be whatever they want.
Wife: ... Wait, what?

Unrelentingly adorable husky/golden puppy.

Introduction my latest in a long line of writing distractions. "Doc Seuss"

After much debate with the kids our new puppy's full name is "Doc Seuss" and sometimes "Doc McStuffins" when my 4yo forgets.

Fighting my kids to get in the car for their summer concert they demanded I attend is peak parenting.

I wish I had the confidence my 4yo has who repeatedly affirms "I can do that" while watching videos of Simone Biles compete.

My Creativity: We only think on the page.

Me: [literally every second away from my desk] Is that a story? Should I write that?

Me: What do you want for dinner?
5yo: Are you sad your mom died when you were little?
Me: ... yes.
5yo: Chicken nuggets.
Me: ...
5yo: [walks away]

My 4yo is prancing around the house with her recently acquired library card assuring everyone she "can pay for that."

Being in a car for more than 6 minutes with a preschooler is equal to all the interrogation training they do at Quantico.

Would love to read a more fleshed out version of this as a funny meta short story/flash piece.

A Chicago Pope implies the existence of an MLA Pope and APA Pope

"She doesn’t write poems.

She is one."

Just, wow.

Me: Now that the semester is over, I don't have to read these long books from the 18—

Also me: [opens Crime and Punishment]

Poets know more names of flowers than botanists.

Me: [is lactose intolerant]

My entire family: You still doing that dairy-free thing?

Me: In England the word for band-aid is plaster.

5yo: Bastard?

Me: [desperately trying not to laugh] No.