why don’t little kids ever tear their acl they run dumb as fuck

A bottle of red,
A bottle of white,
Cops are breathalyzing
Me tonight

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we aren’t even trying. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

try as you might, you'll never be as diabolical as the guy who decided the usb port placement on flat screen tvs

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Does anyone know the name of that actor, very famous? The one, he's very famous, he was in that movie? My dad's asking.

Doors in Greece are such an aesthetic pleasure.

A polar bear leans to peer into the passenger side of a vehicle. Photo is taken from inside the vehicle.

him: license and registration, please
me: *slides him fish*
him: ...
me: *slides him another fish*
him: have a good day, sir

You're incorrect; I'm using it to be cool on the internet.

I just transformed from witch to soft girl in one workout. Weights are magic.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful

I didn't mind losing my religion I just don't want to lose my tan.

Fatboy Slim: Funk soul brother. Check it out now

Librarian: you don’t have to say that every time you get a book

me: I’ll take dare

judge: no

I bet you also look good on paper.

Skyline instead of timeline >>>>>>

I’ll matchy match with you! My daughter refuses 😭