Hi Greg

Oh awesome yeah cut the NSF budget in half and just rely on private industry. That way, instead of figuring out how to cure Alzheimer’s, we can get our 20th ozempic knockoff.

Most people approved of the job George W Bush was doing right after 9/11. Most people also believe Bush had something to do with it. Therefore

It’s weird that we can’t eat batteries and get a little something out of em

Bro just needs to just do what we all do when we’re tired of reality and get really into gooning

Chuck Norris didn’t die. He just oh wait no never mind he did die.

Meganium btw

As a grown adult I would sincerely feel like less of a loser telling someone who my favorite Pokemon is than who my favorite politician is.

It’s always described as this goofy, silly experience but having pussy feet sounds so painfully uncomfortable.

OH the age of consent in Greenland is 15. Ok. No, ok I understand. No ok now things are starting to make sense. Got it.

Aww fuck now I can’t exercise now darn it . definitely was going to.

It’s not shit posting I’m genuinely trying

The butterfly effect is crazy it flaps its wings and then starts to fly

You mean watching an American hero dunk on some pussy virgin?

100% of the Siamese cats in Disney movies have the most insane thick Asian accents. It’s only three examples but that’s still some considerable consistency.

The agreement Taco Bell and I had was that in exchange for convenience and affordability I would look the other way on the fact that the food is most likely a mixture of raccoon meat and microplastics - these new prices have shattered that bargain.

You can shove your fingers down your throat to make yourself vomit.

I want that but for poop.

The “show up 2-hours before your flight” rule needs to be updated for modern times. We’re checkin in online and showing up with zero luggage.

I can clear that shit in 25 minutes.

I’d like to think that Jodie foster was a least a LITTLE impressed

I would feel a lot better if I could just watch the president do a quick long devision problem for me. I'm not saying he can or can't - I would just feel better.

This is going to sound like some hippy shit but I genuinely wish there was a quantifiable way to exactly measure the evil you're doing with each purchase.

Next to the price I want a number that tells me how much harder it's going to be to get into heaven.

Brother it’s social media. It’s all ass.

Don’t: ask me to sign up for an account via email or do two factor authentication

Do: just let my shit be insecure, I don’t care if my free wordle account gets hacked

Rush Limbaugh wasn't racist - his best lungs were black.

Let's just all tank our credit scores together and be done with this nonsense

I had a therapist respond to my intro with “oof” and goddamn if that’s not the best and only comforting response I’ve ever received from therapy.

Killer whales when they hungry but the penguins won’t go swimming

As a society we really need to hone in on that middle ground between bullying and “don’t worry king, that tattoo of your waifu on your arm looks great”

Pete Hegseth and Tim Pool are in the white house while Ben is front row at the latest Pixar movie focusing on what really matters.

There's something admirable about Ben Shapiro. Most alt-right internet freaks use the whole "Media is too woke" grift as a stepping stone to relevance before pursuing dumb legislative goals or access to the white house whereas my man Ben has remained laser focused on looking for gays in cartoons.