"Someone reminded them of 'Nuremberg' but it's like we said 'Nürburgring' given how they're speed running this shit."

"How did you hurt yourself, exactly?"
'I tried to stop a sneeze.'
"And where does it hurt?"
'My 40s.'

Waffle House is technically teppan yaki.

"The new Tinkerbell looks like Caillou."
"For a moment, I was hoping you were mispronouncing kaiju, and were getting Pacific Rim-scale Tinkerbell, and a giant robot would have to fight her."

“The toilet always looks surprised but this time I think it meant it.”

"How are you handling Trump's second term?"
"It's like Poseidon's Kiss but in a Porta-Potty."

I was scrolling reels on my phone and an NdGT video about wormholes came on and I closed the app and hit the power button but it kept explaining wormholes to me and that's probably the most NdGT thing so far.

"I prefer to spend my time near bodies of water."
*slaps belly* "That's 60% water, right here."

could you imagine how mad a fae changling would be, swapped out of the fae realm for a human being, only to be stuck with bills and taxes.

... I think understand Bjork now.

You know claiming to be a saint, without actually being sainted by the Church, would be considered heresy.

"I'm sorry, I know what you said, and I know I seem distracted now, but I'm stuck on why you'd want a bowl of Eminems."

#boudoir

How I'm handling all trouble tickets, from now on:
"this can be resolved, btw."
'can be resolved? as in we can close the ticket because the work is done?'
"yes, unless you want me to make up other reasons."
'was it handled by the upgrade?'
"no, it was handled by a burly man in the forest."

Never a dull moment with these two.

I kinda wish traffic worked the way it looks on the Grubhub delivery tracking, like my driver is in a monster truck and just Johnny Knoxville'd six neighborhoods to bring my breakfast.

Some people call them intrusive thoughts, I call them risky conversation starters

"If a spider wore pants.. would it wear them on all legs or just the back four?"
"look, not all pants are equal. if a spider has JNCOs you know you won't share as many interests as if it had skinny j's."
"... how much weed did you eat."

Doin the thing.

We could act on those now and demand footage of his 80 year old self physically signing every one of those pardons. I'd bet money he doesn't get through 100 of them.

Supernatural was 15 years of ultimately the entire universe banding together to stop Dean from banging absolutely everything.

'Are shivers the same as goosebumps?'
'Goosebumps are the spider eggs being startled by the shiver.'

So because you can’t appreciate it yet, it’s not valid?

As someone slowly going blind, I don’t think it’s silly at all.

The spending limit or the balance of available funds?

… where did that money go if not back to the treasury?

Early morning snow on the hoodoos of Bryce Canyon.

In Mexican Hat for that last annular eclipse. The campers below came back from a walk, and one asks her partner if it's beer o' clock yet. I cupped my hands and boomed down the hill, 'the answer to that question is always "yes."' She says, 'there you go, voice from the heavens says yes.'