60 Minutes. A stopwatch. “Is NBC hiring? Lesley Stahl investigates.”

The Onion’s print ads are the best thing in the newspaper.

This months issue of the onion, volume 62, issue 6

this just in

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Trump Asks Nicki Minaj To Explain Eating Ass WASHINGTON—Pulling her aside at a Treasury Department event Wednesday, President Donald Trump reportedly asked hip-hop artist Nicki Minaj to explain eating ass. “Explain it to me, in the simplest term...

clearing shelf space for our first pulitzer

Just followed you if you'd like to DM on the topic!

Have you tried membership@theonion.com? Apologies for delays-order volumes have been high this season!

if this was the audio I heard when watching live on tv I’d have cried harder than I did

Print edition of the @theonion.com is worth it for the ads alone.
And last December, they included extra sheets with gift wrap. And there was also the full-sheet "sickos" panel insert.

Yes.

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Hi everybody,

It's Black Friday, a big day for us at The Onion, since we rely almost entirely on your memberships.

Our goal for 2026? More print subscribers than the Washington Post.

This is, somehow, feasible.

So sign up! A year of print is $75 for the year today. Help us do a very funny thing.

Disappointed in the Albert Brooks heads on this site ignoring how obvious this is.

Eternity | Official Trailer HD | A24 YouTube video by A24

Somebody owes us an explanation for why this isn’t called ‘Defending Your Wife’ youtu.be/irXTps1REHU?...

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Look, I’ve unsubscribed and resubscribe to the NYT a dozen times in the last few years.

I, too, have been a target of the “ if you had any ethics you would quit” ire when I worked at Deadspin. But journalism jobs are few and far between these days, and there are very few “good” media owners.

TEN MINUTES. YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO MAKE POPCORN.

I somehow did not realize this was a book, having just watched the adaptation a few weeks ago. It was fantastic. And, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure that I have the courage to read it.

The Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile title screen

A very big Onion announcement:

The Onion has spent the last two months working on a masterpiece.

It's a documentary titled Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile.

It's so good, in fact, we were set to release it in theatres nationwide on October 2nd.

Then two weeks ago, Charlie Kirk was shot.

The Onion News Network truck featuring the headline ICE Opens New Supermax Prison for Most Hardened Toddlers stationed outside the ICE facility.

The Onion News Network truck is currently stationed outside the Broadview ICE Detention facility just outside of Chicago.

Unfortunately showing your copy to coworkers is strictly forbidden.

bless you

Congress, now more than ever, our nation needs your cowardice

I have sent a copy of ‘The Onion’ to every member of Congress. To spread its message to less powerful people, I have also taken out an ad in a lesser newspaper. Read my full letter here: theonion.com/why-im-sendi...

The Onion NYT ad. The headline of the editorial says “CONGRESS, NOW MORE THAN EVER OUR NATION NEEDS YOUR COWARDICE”

EXCLUSIVE — The Onion has a full-page ad in today’s NYT featuring part of an editorial calling out congressional fecklessness towards Trump. They also sent a copy of their latest issue to every lawmaker.

My report, with an excerpt from the full editorial: www.thehandbasket.co/p/exclusive-...

Still makes me laugh when I think about it.

screenshot of theonion.com homepage depicting new layout and scrolling newswire function

If I told you how long I've dreamed of an animated newswire on theonion.com, you'd probably believe me but we'd both be embarrassed to have discussed it.

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Showing friends your copy is strictly prohibited. Please direct them to membership.theonion.com.

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Truly horrific. I suspect we'll continue to disagree on the role satire can and ought to play in these moments.

This is precisely the moment for this type of coverage, but I respect the fact that you don't find it funny.