I either unplug my tv and tell my kids it’s broken or I turn it on at 6 am when they won’t stop crying or touching me, there is no in between

I suffered a horrific hangover today and I went to my friends house and she let me lay on her couch for hours and made me breakfast and coffee and she is a true angel 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

My toddlers wanna do everything ALL BY THEMSELVES and I truly cannot relate because, at this point, my ideal state is doing as little as possible for myself

Yeah we are getting Juan Soto

Accomplishment of the day is convincing the gym owner to put a full length mirror in the locker room

A project I’ve been pushing for for the last year and working on for months just went live and I could cry tears of joy

Had to restart my computer because I couldn’t connect to the vpn and apparently one of my spreadsheets was not on auto save 🥲🥲🥲🥲

a lift and four miles to start my day

At the point in the Kingdom of Ash audiobook where it’s dangerous to listen in public, sobbing could occur at any moment

I cannot bear it

criminal

Wilyer, you’re MY rookie of the year

So if you texted me SO SORRY

(absolutely none of you have texted me)

Current mental state = ignoring every text message I receive and pretending others don’t exist while mindlessly scrolling the internet hoping free agents start signing soon

dogs just know

I forgot my clothes in the washing machine just slightly too long and I thought they were fine but they were in fact not fine

What unhinged behavior should I participate in tonight to ignore all the horrible things happening to me

The most (and only) productive thing I do in my life is folding towels straight out of the dryer

Anyone taking my souvenir Diet Coke from me will face the harshest of punishments

Another morning of scootering 🥶

a man with a mustache is sitting on a swing in a park Alt: a man with a mustache is sitting on a swing in a park

Waiting for Red Sox hot stove news ...

Finally make plans to see a friend and have our kids play together and guess who has colds ??? US.

Pls kill me

Questioning what I should post here as if I don’t typically tweet every random thought that enters my brain

Don't take for granted that everyone remembers all the weird little sports things just because we already talked about them on twitter. Baseball players wear belts while they do sports - thick belts! leather belts! - and carry snacks with them on the field. That's so beautiful.