a pretentious cinephile call that a wank kar-wai

the problem with saying “don’t put all your eggs in one basket “ is that implies that people have more than one basket

all locked in with nowhere to go

so fucking bored does anyone want to fall in love

more jokes like this please! more jokes!!!!!!!

a mind reader goes to buy a shirt and the salesperson goes, “are you a large?” and the mind reader says, “no, i’m a medium”

i’m not a woo girl. i’m a woe girl. wahhhhhhhhhhh

trying to make a post about the smiths and the word "morrussy". like bussy. but i cant figure it out

there was no greater feeling than being a kid and telling someone that ekans was ‘snake’ backwards. felt so powerful, so smart, never felt so good again

more jokes more jokes more jokes more jokes more jokes

just went and checked on the lake outside. confirming that it’s still water

one of my favourite bits is when i’m watching a movie with a friend and the guy that’s clearly the villain is introduced i say “i don’t like the vibes of that guy” and when he inevitably does something evil i say “called it”

*laughing to the audience* everyone should die but me *suddenly sincere* except for everyone i have ever met and loved

paul thomas anderson: i’ve got this new movie idea
executive: ok is it set in-
paul thomas anderson: it’s set in the san fernando valley
executive: ok. ok. ok man. ok

happy gilmore girls

what kind of music does a surgeon listen to??

ska!!!!!!!

what kind of music does a kangaroo listen to?

skip hop!!!!!!!

been trying to come up with better jokes for christmas crackers. dont mind me

they need to make cigarettes for dogs

god i would be so bad at being a hired goon. i’d fuck everything up. like i always do

cockroach is a fucking craaazy name to give a bug

it’s so cool that we have a moon

they say the rizzler was a wanted man / he makes his way all across the land

did anyone figure out what a ‘jingle horse’ was. and how does one giddy one up

did anyone ever figure out what reindeer games are

stupid

Days like this on social media feel like when a bird got into the classroom

why does crying on the bus feel so good. ethereal. poetic. out of body emotional experience. touched by a god i don’t believe in

in the silly season, a silly goose is just a regular goose

having to explain what a polycule is to my coworkers is outside my job description and i should be compensated for psychological distress