(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

[accidentally cumming too fast with my gf] that's ai

im sure he used to

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that
"just take me home"

[foghorn leghorn at a glory hole] son i say son this hole got a mouth like an outboard motor

this is an automated message

[5 minutes into sex with my gingerbread gf] did you crumb

hey

wife: why is there cabbage all over the bathtub
me: my showerkraut!

hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested

legacy of kain went hard

[girl petting my dog] what's his name?
[me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may

if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now

personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you
me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok

pope leo was my father

[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised

[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this

do you think he still does this

[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

i
fell
into
a Burger King deep fryer
i turned
brown brown brown
medical help was required
and it
burns burns burns
that BK fryer
that BK fryer

it's never enough

[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the
[flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME

[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back