A golden egg just popped out of my pussy

"So what are your hobbies?"

"Posting weird shit on Bluesky that gets four likes."

Keep your feet on the ground, and your head in the clouds, you gigantic freak.

You guys go on and keep reaching for the stars. I’ll just stay here and have an egg.

If I were Pope, I’d be the handsomest Pope ever.

Remember Rosie the Riveter? Yea, she’s dead.

what was herbie fully loaded with

Making myself a can of depression baked beans

We hit a bump and now everyone on the bus knows that my briefcase is just filled with hotdogs

I'd say you were in my prayers but I only pray for stuff for me.

When I die, I want to be frozen so I look like Jack Nicholson in the Shining, then kept in a glass freezer to scare children.

I would have been a great teacher if they still let you threaten kids with a stick.

I'm writing a children's book about Serial Killers.

The most unrealistic thing in Raiders of the Lost Ark is a fat man losing a drinking contest to a hundred pound woman.

I'd let a few of you lick the fried chicken grease off of my lips. I mean, if you wanna

I hear Elvis singing In The Ghetto everytime I enter my filthy rundown home.

Judging by ancient fables and myths, it's unwise to accept fruit from pretty much anyone.

Siri why is my baby still bald

Flipping tables at the cracker barrel

Just wait until it’s hard

~a memoir

More things should glow in the dark

It's aggravating when people think they know more about a topic than I do just because they've studied it their entire lives and have advanced degrees evidencing their expertise

Prison tattoos mean you have been in prison.

I've eaten Smurf. It was not that great. It tasted kind of like Leprechaun.

Jessie's Girl has a name Rick Springfield you insensitive creep.

olsen twin version of sound of music where mary kate is maria and the other one is a nazi

I'd floss, but I like spitting blood.

My "hall pass" is Progressive Flo, but nothing sexual, I just get to bake her a lasagna from scratch and just talk about philosophy and shit.

My Native American name is Fish Belly White.

I was watching a video about distracted driving on my phone when I got in that car accident.