You gift cursed items to the people you love the most, right?

On this day 20 years ago on the 99 bus through Pawtucket, a man removed his dentures, smiled at me, and said, "I seen you lookin'. The lady likes a calamari."

I mean it is CONCEIVABLE that someone has the hyphenated name Alan Parsons-Project

You don't owe the hamburger shit. It needs to learn to help itself.

shh you’ been working too hard, hold still, I will pack you in grass clippings now🤗

Somewhere out there is someone who doesn’t like mac and cheese. If we ever meet, I hope I can show compassion.

I asked my wife if we could try banal.

My kid: no one wants to play the game I invented

Me: what's the game?

My kid: we hold hands in a big circle on the playground and tell the world we can smell its diaper

The difference between an IPA and a triple IPA is that the triple IPA contains three times as much cat pee.

You know what, I hope both sides of your pillow are always cold

My cursed item knows just what to whisper to me.

jubilation at rest

no gas station in sight mt everest is mid

YES I'LL BUY GIRL GUIDES COOKIES FROM YOU, YOU FUCKING DRUG DEALING BITCH

At what age is one too old to be considered a chopped unc? And what is the stage of life that follows chopped unc?

Earlier this week I got stuck on the top of a bridge while emergency vehicles cleared an accident. We all got out of our cars for a bit. Had a chat about gardening with a very nice young man. A bumper sticker on his F150 read: CAUTION - THIS VEHICLE MAKES FREQUENT STOPS AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE

In a world of people who don't give a rat's ass be the one who hands out rat's asses to everyone. Person in line behind you at the supermarket? Hand them a rat's ass. Counter person at Jersey Mike's? A rat's ass for you and all of your colleagues. 🐁🐀🐁🐀🐁🐀

If you always open a bag of chips upside down it's because a very naughty potato has cursed your entire snackline. But I'm seriously, do not be too disappotatoed in yourself

u going to like the way my homemade lotions make u feel

Just got back from a week-long shoot at a tech event. I understood 10% of the words being spoken but it was all very sexy:

Bro my package manager has so much pre-commit right now

You're into slow hooks? Naw, I lay continuous pipe.

Selling some ceramics this Saturday at MoMA PS1 this Saturday from 10-6! Showing a lot of new work and it would be awesome to show and sell it to you!

Why does the vet assume my pet has the same last name as me. Maybe she kept her own name when we married

sherlock has afoot fetish

Lie down on the grass and I'll cover you up with a patchwork quilt of pink and purple phlox

it's true

by the year 2036 we will have 14 factor authentication

baby, wanna mingle our breeding juices in this pond?

my favorite of the Jellicle cats was always Tickletaint, the crime scene secretor cat

look at baby Flavbert!

new LinkedIn profile option lets potential business connections know that you're a secretor