An article that reads: Opinion Column: I Am Here To Destroy All You Hold Dear By A Bicycle The age of man has ended. The dawn of the bicycle is creeping over the horizon of inevitability, scorching everything you cherish with the same ambivalence of an uncaring star. You are chaff to be burned, soil to be tilled for the new future: my future, the future of the bicycle. Man once held dominion over this earth, it is true. But the devil found a foothold when you first ceded ground on your pathways. What once was the charming chime of a bell or a kind warning of "on your left!" Has become a battle cry, a ceaseless roar of destruction as I become the dominant force on your side walks, your trails, and most importantly, your parking spaces. Do you hear that? The crunching of skulls beneath my rubber tires! The wailing of your women! Your men begging for pity, or at the least, a swift death as they see me change gears so I can move with even less effort through the city! "Mercy!" They cry. "Mercy, lord Bicycle!" But I do not hear them, for I have no ears, only handle bars. Heed my warning: raise the flag of surrender quickly, for my brake pads are fresh and my seat is adjusted. The end will come slowly and painfully, until it rushes over you all at once like a mountain bike careening down a hill.

Everyone loves a reposted op-ed on Friday nights!

Screenshot of Opinion Column: Bikes are the worst thing to ever happen by Two Unicycles in a Trench Coat. Bicycles, bicycles, bicycles, it’s all I ever hear about. “Ooooh the Tour de France! Oooh, the olympics!” Oh, did we all just conviently forget about the circus? What, jugglers on the pier mean NOTHING to you now? You know what no one worries about? You know what no one asks? “My goodness dear, I love the idea, but WHERE would we keep a unicycle?” The one exception is those super tall unicycles, but even we unicycles think those guys are weird, so don’t worry about them. We normal unicycles are super cool and easy to put in a closet. Uh, I mean, that’s what I HEAR about unicycles, I’m a normal human man who makes a lot of money in private equity, so you need to take me seriously. But seriously, have you ever even seen a bicycle? Like, could an object be more pretentious? “Oh look at me, I have two wheels, I’m superior.” GOD just SHUT UP. Uh last time I checked, no one cared if a bear rode a bicycle. But a UNIcycle? Guys. It’s just... like super sick. Plus I heard a bike poisoned a local reservoir, which as you know is very important to humans like us. Boo, bikes! Boo!

Another important viewpoint on an ongoing community issue!

We aim to serve!

Screenshot of Opinion Column: I'm all for saving lives, but not at the cost of my convenience, by Local Resident: Let me begin by saying I agree - we need to keep people safe! But like, at the same time, COME ON, guys!!! And again, don't get me wrong! Public safety is a burden we all bear as members of a cohesive community. But like, UGH! Sometimes that SUCKS! I lived here a long time. How long? Long enough to be taken seriously, believe you me. And that means that if I am put out even a LITTLE BIT - even if it's to keep kids on bikes safe - then you're required to feel super bad for me, I'm pretty sure it's a law. Are there common sense ways to work around the simple changes we make to keep our community from having tragic, preventable accidents? Yeah, I guess, but what about the fact that it would ANNOY ME? And consider this! What if this common sense change causes, like, aliens to show up and start zapping us, huh??? Will no one think about that? Typical! One time there was a snow storm and I shoveled my sidewalk but I didn't shovel my neighbor's sidewalk because I know shes got a healthy adult son she could have called in to help, so that's kind of her fault. That doesn't have anything to do with this, but I wanted to mention is because she keeps complaining about me. "Oh I'm 80, no one helped, blah, blah, blah.

Take another look at an important op-ed we ran recently:

Text that reads Beef Alert: ACPS just curious if you like, maybe have any interest in being a high school principal?

New opportunities abound!

Headline that reads: ACPS: “Logo process Coming along fine, everything else going great, please stop asking.”

Late breaking news alert!

City Council Debate in like, the middle of evening: Three City Council candidates met tonight for a debate in the West End of Alexandria from 5-7 PM this evening, which is like... in the MIDDLE of my evening. The forum, hosted by the West End Business Association and moderated by ALXnow was probably very informative and full of interesting and spirited debate, but some of us have kids, man, and five to seven PM? FIVE TO SEVEN PM? They're already getting microwaved chicken nuggets tonight, do you think I'm also cramming in a debate in that window? Sandy Marks, Frank Fannon, and Alison Virginia O'Connell all probably had important opinions to share, and it's legitimately fantastic that the involved parties put this together, but some local new outlets report having a lot going on right now and something's gotta give.

Report from this evening!

We’ll be reporting live.

Keep you eyes peeled for our future recurring column “A PIZZA MY MIND”

Screenshot of Opinion Column: Bikes are the worst thing to ever happen by Two Unicycles in a Trench Coat. Bicycles, bicycles, bicycles, it’s all I ever hear about. “Ooooh the Tour de France! Oooh, the olympics!” Oh, did we all just conviently forget about the circus? What, jugglers on the pier mean NOTHING to you now? You know what no one worries about? You know what no one asks? “My goodness dear, I love the idea, but WHERE would we keep a unicycle?” The one exception is those super tall unicycles, but even we unicycles think those guys are weird, so don’t worry about them. We normal unicycles are super cool and easy to put in a closet. Uh, I mean, that’s what I HEAR about unicycles, I’m a normal human man who makes a lot of money in private equity, so you need to take me seriously. But seriously, have you ever even seen a bicycle? Like, could an object be more pretentious? “Oh look at me, I have two wheels, I’m superior.” GOD just SHUT UP. Uh last time I checked, no one cared if a bear rode a bicycle. But a UNIcycle? Guys. It’s just... like super sick. Plus I heard a bike poisoned a local reservoir, which as you know is very important to humans like us. Boo, bikes! Boo!

From the archives: “What, jugglers on the pier mean NOTHING to you now?!”

Screenshot of an Opinion Column: I Am Here To Destroy All You Hold Dear by A Bicycle. The age of man has ended. The dawn of the bicycle is creeping over the horizon of inevitability, scorching everything you cherish with the same ambivalence of an uncaring star. You are chaff to be burned, soil to be tilled for the new future: my future, the future of the bicycle. Man once held dominion over this earth, it is true. But the devil found a foothold when you first ceded ground on your pathways. What once was the charming chime of a bell or a kind warning of “on your left!” Has become a battle cry, a ceaseless roar of destruction as I become the dominant force on your side walks, your trails, and most importantly, your parking spaces. Do you hear that? The crunching of skulls beneath my rubber tires! The wailing of your women! Your men begging for pity, or at the least, a swift death as they see me change gears so I can move with even less effort through the city! “Mercy!” They cry. “Mercy, lord Bicycle!” But I do not hear them, for I have no ears, only handle bars. Heed my warning: raise the flag of surrender quickly, for my brake pads are fresh and my seat is adjusted. The end will come slowly and painfully, until it rushes over you all at once like a mountain bike careening down a hill.

With a new appeal filed, we thought it was a good time to re-run an important op-ed.

Is there a new rival on the horizon??

We’re investigating.

“I trust I can rely on your vote!

Awooooooooooo!”

“While MPMs hold the appearance of solving future parking issues with increased development, they are still a band-aid on an open wound. The true solution to the problems we are trying to address is such seamless public transportation that it is more appealing to leave your car at home.

Also woof”

The silly thing is I’m actually a graphic designer trained in 508 compliance; I just sometimes forget when I’m not in work mode!

No no he was just already announced.

Screenshot of an article titled: "City Council Election Welcomes New, Real Candidate Names" by Beef Staff. As Friday’s filing deadline draws near for Alexandria’s upcoming City Council special election, a slew of new, totally real and not made up names have officially entered the race. The Beef is excited to announce our newest, totally not made up contenders! Names include: Glooby McGlooberston “Mister Matchstick” A Bike Holding A Knife Susan Beach The Ghost of Henry Blankensmith Biscuits (A Dog) Part affiliations vary, from “Independent” to “Whig”. Candidate platforms were equally diverse, though each candidate specifically outlined transportation issues as a main reason for running. McGlooberston’s position seems to focus on a lack of clown cars Differently focused was A Bike Holding a Knife, which claims a desire to destroy anything with more than two wheels. The Ghost of Henry Blankensmith is also anti-car, except with the motivating factor of replacing them with horses “as God intends”. Susan Beach’s address is simply listed as “the traffic on Duke street.” All candidates were unavailable to answer our specific questions, as they are all out of town.

An exciting day for local government!

This is just evolving into a regular feature called “Cat Corner”

Ugh but that has to be cast AT Mount Vernon!

Could you bring these details up at the next council meeting?

New exclusive!

If you have a scoop for any upcoming peace summits just DM me!

Make them New Yorker style with blank captions for the people

...I mean I AM an illustrator...

Listen please feel free to acquire me whenever you feel best.

@mlaw91.bsky.social

A faux newspaper clipping with a point/counterpoint article from the perspective of two cats.

Welcome our newest contributors, two local cats!

Concerning.

!!!
This is the good stuff!