Garlic Expressions Didn’t Love Ted Lasso

Use your phone as a phone!

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You blows Uncut Gems out of the water

You should be able to lodge complaints with other people’s therapists

I need to know how she is cutting it into such perfectly straight-edged pieces….lasers?

Idea for Paramount:
Paramount Plus ✨Plus✨ (It’s just like Paramount Plus only it works)

I think of Titanic as a New Year’s movie because people get dressed up and it’s cold and ultimately no one has a very good time.

IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE
refills on soup should be free

Natalie Portman in Black Swan being menaced by a doppelganger in the mirror

When I encounter myself as a different colored cursor because I have the Google Doc open in two tabs

Pretty chilling to realize that there must be people who think they have imposter syndrome but actually are imposters and that you are probably one of them.

an adorable calico cat with hungry eyes

This is the face of a cat who knows that it’s actually 5:02 pm.

a face contorted in a grimace of sadness and disgust

POV: You drive by me in a cybertruck

Wow, I mean, I agree with Steven—that “did” is superfluous but the “your mom” retort kind of loses some zing when you’re the second person in the group chat to say it.

Anyways other than that, no notes. A perfect response. You’re doing great, guys!

Spanish duolingo translation of “how about we turn on the television”

My bf (every night): What do you want to do tonight?

Me:

Not to brag but I actually did have “Luigi Mangione’s likeness used to sell men’s floral button-down shirt on Shein” on my 2025 Bimgo Card (generated by AI)

pretty mad about the other stuff Trump has done, but I love salmonella so this one's a win for me

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I was correctly targeted by an advertisement for these socks. Sharing the link in case they don’t find you.

"Was it really this dumb in 2003" guys they renamed french fries

Half of an avocado with a blood-tinged stab mark

Avocado pit with a knife wound

Update: 5 days after posting this, I stabbed myself through the hand pitting an avocado, so I’m not allowed to have any new hobbies involving sharp instruments.

A thumb that’s been stabbed multiple times with a long needle lying near a pile of orange wool that sort of resembles a fox or maybe a bird.

Learning needle felting aka crafty self harm

Email inbox with an unread email from Elizabeth Warren. Subject line is: This is sickening

If I don’t open this email from Elizabeth Warren I can pretend she’s using ‘sickening’ in the ‘amazing runway look for a Ball Challenge’ way instead of the ‘kicking people off Medicaid to make Elon Musk a teensy bit richer’ way.

A black sign reading “All Gender Toilet” with the classic symbols for man (a human figure wearing pants) and woman (figure wearing dress) and a third symbol that wears pants on the left side of the body and a dress on the right.

The three genders.

I just want everyone in my life to know that I have never intentionally given them a nudge on Duolingo. I would never and I wish I could take it back.

“No need to write it down! I’ll definitely remember this,” I think to myself three seconds before forgetting.

Black Mirror is the only show I can’t binge watch because I have to get my meds adjusted after every episode.

I’m still thinking about that cheese & pickle sandwich from Adolescence.

It’s ONLY the Princess Diana Beanie Baby

People wonder about my serene smile in the face of imminent economic collapse and the reason is quite simple

Now I kind of regret not actually making this sign that I joked about bringing.

With his historic and record-breaking 25-hour speech, Cory Booker inspired *millions* of Americans to google ‘Cory Booker bathroom?’