Live from @theonion.com HQ.

ADOBE: welcome to photoshop. what would you like to do. here is an AI tool
ME: i would like to draw a rectangle. i am selecting the rectangle tool
ADOBE: did you say AI?
ME: rectangle please
ADOBE: sorry but i can only do that in an insane way now. here is a new layer and a vector for some reason

I don’t “network,” I make friends. Other artists are not my competition, they’re my beloved peers and sources of inspiration. We all have the same goal; to share our art. I’m not gonna corporatize my human relationships with them. I am in my sandbox playing and I hope they join me.

Fun fact: Women's sports are segregated not to protect women, but to protect *men* from losing *to* a woman.

Don't believe me? Look up Jackie Mitchell. Struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. Then suddenly women were unfit to play baseball.

I want these

When I die bury me with a bunch of these like they’re terracotta soldiers

As it turns out, NASA has to code the rocket as a hat that the astronauts all equip in their inventory's head slot in order to ride it

Did you know that basically every animal gets the zoomies?

it's beautiful that there exists a universal behavior, where the only way they can express the sheer happiness that comes from being gifted with 4 strong legs and allowed to walk God's green earth, is to absolutely haul ass like a maniac.

horseshoe theory is real. leftists almost got kat abughazaleh elected into congress and now it comes out that her boyfriend owns infowars…

Phoeo of a cute cat behind a super market toy set looking at the camera, with the silly caption of "Khajiit has wares if you have coin" which is a known The Elder Scrolls line.

Khajiit has wares if you have coin

advertising technology in the 1990s: look at this “website” you can “surf”. it has an image of a cat on it

advertising technology in the 2020s: you must adopt this now or die. we are going to completely kill you if you don’t download this app immediately

The Infowars news is funny, yes. But more importantly, it is an outright rebuke of Alex Jones' evil.

It's testament to the strength and resilience of the Sandy Hook families who survived this bullshit for more than a decade as well as the Onion, which didn't give up on this for the last 18 months.

Swanboy absolutely would send Noel's DNA to a service called "40andme" because that's the wrong number of chromosomes for a chameleon but the correct number for a mute swan

Tim Heidecker being the head of the newly Onionized Infowars is a pretty perfect choice IMO

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.

We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.

Please stand by for more.

There's a war on for your mind.

theonion.info

two images of the human body's circulatory system. One of them with good cable management

The human circulatory system, before and after proper cable management.

Ah the classic goosebumps Problem Fluid

It’s interesting how socialists should always be managing their politics and criticism in reference to what Democratic leaders find acceptable because they might be deemed ungettable voters when 1/3+ of the country already consistently opt out of standard bourgeois electoral politics (voting D or R)

no such thing

Comic. I’m at my desk, leaning over to the doorway, saying “Hey! Foghorn! Foghorn Leghorn! Get in here!” Foghorn Leghorn is walking past the doorway, “Boy, I tell ya, I tell ya, not so loud, boy. What, I say, I say, what d’ya want?” Next panel, I’m gesturing to my computer. “How do I find that really good manga you recommended? It’s an anime now? I keep getting Halloween costumes.” Foghorn leans over my chair, “well, boy, I say, I say, you ain’t typin the entire title.” Last panel, I turn around- “you said ‘witch hat.’ Foghorn gets in my face- “open your ears, boy!! ‘Witch Hat Atelier, I tell ya! I tell ya ‘Atelier,’ I tell ya’”

How I’ve Been Pronouncing It (Feat. Foghorn Leghorn, my… roommate?)

One was really into punk culture and wore tight pants all the time

He always got hit the worst because there was no guesswork about where your target was

I'm high school my friends and I would greet each other with a swift kick to the nads

I got really good at dodging

The way profit maxxing corpo culture has invaded every form of art through algorithms pushing people into daily posting is really weighing on me lately. Efficiency and regularity of making "content" being prized above all else feels so grim, man.

many of you would fold in this situation

Translation: they are proposing a bill that says you cannot under any circumstances use a computer for any purpose without allowing the United States government continuous monitoring and a backdoor

If youre a UK resident you have a prime opportunity to push back against the Online Safety Act and online surveillance. PLEASE take a moment to fill this out and share it around

FUUUUCK!! I HATE IT-O'S cereal

poisoning my entire island