GTA 6 is finally coming out in November 2026. Millions of gamers will put on their thick reading glasses and enjoy it between their bone-density scans and colonoscopy appointments.

I would like it to be normalized to say “because you’re sneezing!”

Visited Germany, and their train delays have gotten so bad I had to guess arrival times with tarot readings. #DeutscheBahn

@cisco.com Phones Default Hold Music is a masterpiece that haunted me so much, I HAD to arrange it for piano... 😅 The cherished gem is known as “Opus No. 1” by Tim Carleton and Darrick Deel, and you had to vibe to it (against your will) at least several thousand times in your life.

My Apple Watch warned me about my hairdryer creating a "loud environment." Girl, I know.

Post-gym margaritas: Gaining calories, but that's okay, because tomorrow I'll burn them at the gym. And then... I'll get margaritas.

I don’t sleep. I actually die every night, then resurrect at 8am because I remember I forgot to Venmo my roommate for brunch. #authors

I’m very rich! Just got a confirmation from the Saudi prince who’s transferring me 20 billion dollars in exchange for my social security number. Super stoked for the new adventures coming my way!🤞😃

As my first Bluesky post, here’s me drinking something that made me feel like I was literally run over by a truck next morning. Anyway, cheers! 😊