a teenage boy just made it clear to me that he thought the shirt im wearing was advertising the two separate concepts of guns and of roses

No one ever asks my dog if she even looked for a job today

I know it looks like I'm choking her out, but I swear this was her idea...

judge: the jury finds the defendants GUILTY as charged

bunch of crows: what

ai will never hold you when you feel sad
but people won't either
so I'm starting to think this is a you problem

Celebrating earth day by recycling old posts

Who you are at a 4 way stop is the real you.

It's cool that I only need four drinks to feel like a human being

Does anyone want to buy my house? There is no chocolate in it.

Lady Bugs: I AM POISONOUS

Human Beings: SO CUTE

The opposite of Trump is Mr. Rogers. Whose team are you on?

I'm here to help

Never heard the word before, but here we are.

Popesplaining.

Nice

Playing cozy horror games to escape the horrors of real life.

It turns out anyone really can be president and it's scary as fuck

There was never a danger of you being unfunny

If you have to ask how much gas costs, you can't afford it

genius

The sign at my local gas station now just reads “Market Price”

Sassy is usually accurate for some reason

If someone tells you they are "snarky" or "fluent in sarcasm", 100% they will be unfunny assholes

Doing my stupid little memes as the world crumbles

Cop: put your hands behind your back

Me: nice try, Simon didn’t say

Good morning to the people who didn't completely miss the point and just the people who didn't completely miss the point

I would do some depraved shit for a free tshirt

Still no flying cars. Still cleaning our teeth with strings