me off my meds for a week:

the world is fucked but i do love my lil life and career and all the men i get to yell at

tic tac toe

EXXX
WIFE

the bang bang pie industrial complex

WART
HOGS

if this is the land of the free why won't they let me buy him

Chicago bitches be like beach day 😍😍😍

sounds a lil bit scammy

I'm in as long as you don't dare make squeak on beat

Pitbull YOU DON'T MAKE MISTAKES, MISTAKES MAKE YOU. THEREFORE, THEY'RE MUSTAKES. PITBULL

Monday Motivation

the more in my 30s i get the less i care about days like today

boob nipple

always a good sign when the person you're married to has an app to tell them to avoid you

who hasn't had a moment with their boss when you're at a comedy show together and you lean over and ask her if she knows what fisting is

who is this fucking person

just wait till you throw marshmallow fluff in the mix

I'm blonde again and need a new vanity mirror bc mine already broke after less than a year!!!!!!!!!

The people who are spinning out into the deep end chatting with their plagiarism machines for hours a day learning all kinds of interesting things about quantum mechanics and the age of consent, are mainlining a regurgitated slop of science fiction.

the quality of each star trek show is directly proportional to how often you see the characters engaging in hobbies

that's a dustpan

my lovely doctor said they hate the DEA today 💖💖💖

i refuse to let AI claim the sparkle. it belongs to the whimsy of the people and they can pry it from my twinkling dead hands

then i say "but boss how else am i supposed to keep up with my vanity plate habit" to which she responds "you're salaried that doesn't even make sense. please go home and sleep"

my boss reads it and says "yeah that's why i keep telling you to go home when you decide to stay an extra 5 hours after your 9 hour shift"

attached are receipts showing i buy at least 10 energy drinks a week during the fall and winter months and 20 a week during spring and summer

bringing a notarized statement to my boss that says the bodega guys think i work too much and need more rest, signed by all 5 of them

don't make me tap the sign

was gonna do my taxes but then @nathangrayson.bsky.social called me ugly so now i have to commit fraud. so it goes

the weirder the better and more memorable!!