Every website & app in the world is updating their UI every three months and Dropbox is just out here like “nah stay mad”

I’m running a space heater, a humidifier, and an air purifier.

I’m stoned the majority of my waking hours.

I sleep with a C-PAP.

My sinuses have no fucking idea what I’m doing anymore.

Next year I’m gonna spend April Fool’s Day in a stroke ward making toast.

So yeah. Kettering, I love your parks and your coffee shops, but your tax division is straight up running on chaos energy.

If anybody needs me, I’ll be out here appreciating the $112 I apparently never actually had.

Working in one city while living in the suburb up the road can fuck you in so many ways.

I swear the whole Ohio city income tax system feels like a group project where every city wrote their part on a different napkin at Applebee’s.

It’s not actually 60 Minutes when you factor in commercial time.

Even his own propaganda comes up predictably short.

EriKa KirK has become the Danaerys Targaryen of MAGA

Meaning that Charlie is Drogo and JD is Jon Snow

So them f*cking makes a lot more sense if they wind up being secretly related.

Just announced:

Turning Point USA Halftime Show to be headlined by Drake

Pam Bondi has Trump’s hand so far up her ass he’s grabbing her by the mouth pussy.

Dear Evandale, OH

🖕🏻

Sincerely,
Everyone

“Let’s stop attacking pedophiles.”
-Ted Cruz, 2025

Trump says the money he gets from YouTube is gonna pay for the new ballroom.

Google is now a sponsor of Trump’s Balls.

Restaurants will cry that business is slow and then charge $17 for a salad.

Folks will call the NFL woke, say they “won’t watch” the half time show, but will spend 12 hours watching a football game while consuming all their sponsors.

So, yes, I 100% understand why they voted for Trump twice.

I both wish it was a metal band playing the halftime show AND look forward to the dudebro meltdowns happening online.

It’s called being “bipartisan”.

My reaction to finding out my girlfriend is a Browns fan was the same one she had when I told her I’m a comedian:

“Oh. Neat. Good for you. That takes a lot of courage, I could never. Putting yourself out there like that, week after week…”

I’m not lazy, I just aggressively respect the concept of rest.

Not Disney announcing a new Prep & Landing so that the kids will whine enough to get their parents to sign up for Disney+ again 😂😂😂

Casual reminder that Joe Rogan took over for Jimmy Kimmel as host of The Man Show 🤷🏻‍♂️

My toxic trait is that I will say I have no time to watch anything new but I’ll spend hours watching Hell’s Kitchen clips on YouTube.

Quoting a podcaster verbatim will get you fired but giving props to Hitler will get you elected president.

MAGA: “I emailed your job about your Charlie Kirk posts!”

Me: “I know, those emails go to MY inbox.”

Putin & Xi talking about buying younger organs like they’re about to write a check to Paul Sorvino.

If you get that joke, fist bump 👊🏻

She makes me so fucking happy

Left side of picture is a giant book with the words "The entire Greek mythology" Right side is a much smaller book with the words "Greek mythology if Zeus wasn't horny."

#Mythology

Local bicycle mechanic mad at famous women for marrying each other. More on this story at 6.

So the crackers are mad at cracker barrel for taking out the cracker and the barrel but leaving the words cracker barrel. My guess is they can't read so they need the pictures to know where to go eat.

Varlin Higbee is just Roger the Alien in disguise and I will not be hearing arguments.

Anytime someone says “morning” without the “good” in Slack I read it as “mourning” and frankly that feels correct

So like…does Drumpf think none of us have seen/read V For Vendetta? Cuz, like, he’s just doing V For Vendetta.