That’s the worst president in history you’re speaking of. Show some disrespect

had a dream last night i landed a double kickflip and then posted about it so here i am fulfilling the part i can do

*watching the intro to Darkwing Duck*

he doesn't look that dangerous to me

where they put all the crusts from the uncrustables?

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

This meeting could have been a bong rip

Buying multiple snacks? You mean diversifying my portfolio?

We hit a bump and now everyone on the bus knows that my briefcase is just filled with hotdogs

They really should've called male frogs 'dadpoles'

I’ve been contemplating the logistics of glovebox spaghetti for a decade now — and I’m finally ready to admit I’m in over my head.

I don't have a sleep app bc I don't need another thing in my life telling me to give up.

I’m the undisputed champ of arguments in my shower.

I’ve lost Hope and Faith

-Really bad babysitter

Voted least likely to have a good time eating applesauce

you come to me on the day I’m slowly dissipating in space

Meteorologists are the biggest gaslighters

*takes a hit off my asthma inhaler

wanna make out now

If you reply "can I bring my cat?" you'll be invited to way less stuff.

Johnny Depp is in a lot of cologne ads for someone who looks like they just hit a Febreze bath after a smoke break

Water is just old rain that’s been through a lot

The word “scoundrel” is vastly underutilized, given the global abundance of scoundrels.

I can’t wait to eat this salad, said nobody ever. 😑

Sorry I yelled “FINISH HIM” at your son’s circumcision

Do you think your therapist ever talks about you with their therapist

These are not my pet peeves anymore, they’re part of the family

If I’m ever in a coma please apply chapstick on my lips.

It's open windows season and you know what that means. It's the season of getting my neighbors to ask "what the fuck is she yelling now?"