On my bio birthday I get chewed out by an ex, comfort my daughter from 5,000 miles, & find out my top surgery consult is moving forward, now have to find a new therapist for the letter & a insurance that will cover it & the others. Even when good things happen I remember why I changed the day.
Talk about reality making you question it. Standing out in the rain outside Seattle and someone looking so much like Kurt Cobain walks up asking if you have a cig they can borrow. The voice when I took off my headphones also did not help. 😅 maybe saying my brain is fried is a better explanation.
Also may have gotten a bunch of actors expressing interest in getting into larp 😅 Seriously did not intend this. And kinda daunted by it.
For a girl who had all but burned out my ability to cry or feel heavy emotions, the fact that I have started to be able to feel them again is honestly so liberating. Went to a play today with Mary and had so many emotions I feel raw inside.
I do rather love how my makeup looks when it ran.
Unemployment literally just came in. Thank you all so much for all your dealing with me for the last few months. I may let myself just have a cry now. I can actually get my meds.
Fighting insurance just to get refills suck. Some days I really want to scream. One day I really dream I could live in a world where I don’t have to do this ever again. Honestly it is so tiring.
What is with my luck things hit in 3 cycles of 3 regularly. Fighting insurance & unemployment still, & job search goes nowhere. Can’t I get a win or my bills to not try drowing me. It makes it so hard to keep my spirits up. And many that make me wonder thoughts I despise, that only makes it worse.
I should be happy & ecstatic with the good news yesterday. I should be happy & looking forward to the future. Yet I cannot stop worrying & fretting. My brain just won’t shut up right now & the gremlins are so persistent. It feels like they are all just dragging me down under the rising tide.
It’s funny, when you realize you like your therapist, but that they are not a good fit for you. Dealing with what you do, you need to find someone better suited. It’s not that they are a bad fit, but just not the right one. Which is scary, considering you admitted a lot to them, you keep from most.
As a girl who loved the concept of Scrooge and a Christmas Carol feeling like I am going through that over the past half day has me more than slightly spooked.
Baby’s first holiday tree! Also happy solstice all.
Got to see Wake Up Deadman tonight with amazing people. Amazing film & need to watch again. Worthy of the theatre experience all the way. Need to watch it again, but it is currently coming up fast to how it ranks to the first. And might pull ahead.
Compounded into it is the thought of course that the inability to find a job, proves what so many always told you. That you were only ever good for one thing and not even that much anymore with your body falling apart.
So of course it’s one of those weeks
2025 Fucked up trauma brain thought 172
Knowing how much people have paid for you (down to minutes), a break down of each part of you & the price to damage.
But question & doubt that normal people & those you like find you attractive or want your time, because you are damaged, used, or worse.
Having the dread and uncertainty sitting in me like a weight pulling me down, is nearly as bad as it was the first time. Now though it’s set against the knowledge of what might come. Which is its own special horror. Gods I hate being back here for a third time in less than 10 years.
Well this feels like history Deja Vu & my brain is totally stressing over it & the fact that I don’t even have a job to help mitigate the possible coming tidal wave of expenses. At least I know now how to answer a lot of questions from doctors when they prod me.
Why is it that I can have unexpected traumatic stuff happen to me and let my brain just slide through it because I have dealt with shit so much, but when I have uncertainty or time to prepare for it my brain goes into overdrive & nerves make me sick as a dog?
There is still lots of joy when I realize my boobs are growing more. Let’s see how big I can get before surgery shall we?(helps offset finally deciding to cut my hair along with the bleach, this weekend for my mental health)
FOB covering one of my favorite songs from one of the best Muppets movies of all time is pure joy today! 🥰💖
I can say a lot about my body causing additional problems for my lack of sleep, but at least I got to wake up to an amusing note with two sides of me fighting over wanting a collar tattoo. (There is something to unpack there, but it was cute & I will take the win with how I am feeling this morning)
Showing my wife “Bound” for the first time and I so want a set of lock-pick earrings again.
Been on a bit of a reread kick. Its on odd itch I find that i am scratching after following up simultaneously Tender is the Flesh & Tell Me I Am Worthless, then some Wayward Children & Finishing School, now Kushiel’s Dart & Night Circus with a side of Carmilla the First Vampire.
I should not be looking at the Halloween build a bears when I am still looking for a job. But I could not resist and I am in love with a lot of them.
4 years, 3 months, 5 days
Needed to look cute today even if only a little bit. Especially with being good and not having a smoke even when I really crave it. I am going to totally have to have a massive smoke out when I get this surgery over.
Watching The Wrong Paris & I cannot help but want to play a larp with this scenario.
For a girl who had never had a Baja Blast until last year, I have become hooked.
My wife & I may have just decided to do a podcast of reading Homestuck, since I have made it 4 decades without reading or interacting much with it.
2 interviews tomorrow. I could really use some luck on both.
I love my kitties, but I really wish them getting better along did not result in my feet getting mauled because they think they are toys. People who teach cats to play with feet, I am sorry you are wrong and I wish you had not started this teaching cycle. 😅
My kitty may be a bigger She-Ra fan than I am. He especially loves watching when Catra is on tv.