Headaches

I just mean I dont think I can go back to how I was.

another thing is that like, ig transfeminine people understand what it's like to be under a panotiocopn along with people eager to paint them as creeps and weirdos for the crime of existing "wrong" even girls who follow all the rules are on the chopping block

I understand and show solidarity

It just sucks. First relationships now just, people. I just can't put so much of myself into people, doing it led to some dark places I can't risk going back to.

I just feel like I failed. I couldn't find an answer that'd let me feel like how I used to with people. I just feel like I lost to life.

It's weird. Even though I talk to people every day. I still feel alone. I think it's just a byproduct of the whole, being told I need to be less invested in people in therapy. It just makes it hard for company to be fulfilling on its own.

Finally got my acc back after I lost the password - the reset requests kept going to my spam folder xc

Im just fighting the urge to burn everything left and just die and be done with this shitty world full of shitty people who just say and do whatever to satisfy themselves.

I get to have a post about me up unfairly calling me a creep that I have to periodically see replies to. I get to see my remaining friends hang out with them like nothing happened. It makes me feel like a joke. And I ask, what is stopping this happening again?

Then nobody tells them that was wrong to do. But I get to enjoy being chastised for how I couldn't handle it. I get to have my private dms with someone else leaked and shared around to be gawked at. But me trying to provide any context is seen as a violation of privacy.

Like idk. I can spend years with someone. Spend that time being there for them, defending them supporting them however I can going out of my way for them. And they'll just one day decide to tell me I don't matter to them. That having me in their life or not they'd feel the same either way.

I hate how they ripped the hope out of my life that things could be ok. That I could trust again. That I could be safe with people.

And the people I talk to don't see that. They don't understand why I can't let it go - because I was betrayed to such an extent that trust now feels arbitrary.

Just a sequence of abuse from people my whole life. Why should I think it'll be different now. Why should I think these new people won't be the same someday. Or hell if its something with me that just warrants this treatment the answer is the same - why would I want to live.

The easy answer would be to say - oh well everyone is either a coward, a bully or stupid so I might as well be one of those too. But I don't want to be I want to be good. But if nobody else is going to try then I just don't want a part in any of this anymore.

It just makes me not want to have friends, have connections. It makes me want to just leave everything.

Oh and the fact all I get told is to move on. How, how am I meant to move on when apparently this is the kinda thing I can expect from people in the future. Getting used and abused and if I'm pushed over the edge my reaction is held against me. And this is all seen as fine. Acceptable.

Idk this entire ordeal has left me with a severe lack of faith or trust in other people.

Idk I'm told what was done to me was cruel but it apparently doesn't warrant telling the people who did it that and even hanging out with them as usual. It just makes it feel. Like just platitudes.

I dunno how I move on and trust people again. Idk, like I don't think people get what it's like to have all but like 2 people be 100% against you on things that are half misinfo and idk. Nobody involved sticks up for you.

Idk I just have a lot of lingering doubts on what I'm gonna do.

You n me both brother 🫂

Im finishing my commissions first.

I think I'd be forgotten about within a month.

I'm giving it till the end of this month.

I'll give it a few months and see how I feel.

I don't want to fake being happy but I don't want to constantly drag people down.

I dunno. I dunno about any of this tbh. I'm just at my core I have this deep, sadness that I feel like is just going to become a permanent part of me. And idk if I want to deal with it.

It just coincided poorly with a lot going on in my life already. My self esteemes already been low, low enough I'd let people just use me for their sexual fantasises in private just to feel wanted for a bit. Ig it's been that way for years. I only started pushing back on it after all this mess.

*should add I don't think it was good how we were flirting. We were being pretty skeevy and I've since backed off the sorta stuff we used to talk about. But it does stick out to me that they weren't held to the fire in the same way. In other groups I get ignored while they get acknowleged the same

I just wonder if trying to climb out of this pit is going to feel worth it.