People who expect me to remember things need to forget about thinking that.

Time moves on. People move on. But love? Love stays.

Call me crazy, but I like people who think.

Love yourself. Even harder when you're a damn mess.

I have multiple pets. There's no patience left for all this human bullshit.

The cat hooks her claw into my pants pocket or belt loop to snag me as if to ask me, "Hey, where do you think you're going, buddy?"

(forgetting the word for plunger) where are the toilet suckers

Going to a concert tonight because therapy is expensive and tinnitus is forever

I brought my feelings to the table and they were returned with edits

Insomnia has entered the chat and promoted itself to admin

You’re kinda screwed once your wattle gets wet

I can’t imagine sharing my house with an intoxicated possum. Bet the slurred hissing would be comical though

And the annoyances commence

Shitpostmonger.

It has taken me a lifetime to learn how to play with my cards close to my chest.

Instead of wanting to stab, strangle, or strike someone who is annoying, I'll pet them.

I shouldn't have been let out today.

If we could harvest all the bullshit coming out of the mouths of these people, fertilizer problem solved.

I remember you. You’re that asshole I thought I forgot about years ago. What the fuck are you doing in my dreams?

I don't tiptoe around issues. I stomp.

Honesty. Because lies hurt the soul.

I understand that you don't understand. What you don't understand is that I don't need you to understand. Understand?

Today, I shall mostly be upping the ante in a high-stakes game of strip Crazy Eights.

My youngest daughter just told me that her lady-willy hurt and I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information.

Or why a 27 year old would even talk like that, come to think of it.

A chap just arrived at the office to descale all the urinals and entirely unrelated but I suddenly realise that maybe my life really isn't so bad after all.

They say that the universe is slowing down as it gets older.

You and me both, universe, you and me both.

Of course the wheels on the bus go round and round, what else would they fucking do?

And that was the last time I was allowed to teach my kindergarteners.

I enjoyed my wedding day and the birth of my kids was amazing but my best day ever has to be that time the freezer failed and I had to eat everything before it spoiled.

Not to brag but I know for a fact that were anything to happen to my wife the ladies in my office would be falling over themselves to be first to tell me to not turn to them for a replacement.

i need to stop putting things "where i won't lose them"