A super mega ultra lesbian?

Me as a minister on Easter Sunday

"Please open your Bible to Psalm....BODY ONCE TOLD ME..."

Wow. Must be lonely up there on top of Mt. CanTrustAFart

Cuts grass for the first time in the Spring: This isn’t so bad, why do I hate this so much?

Cuts grass for second time: Oh yeah, that’s right. Fuck this!

rip jesus. you would have loved chicken nuggets

I lied 😔 It’s constantly

7

How many times a day do you think about butts?

Everyone else on this bus disagrees…

'tis better to have jizzed and lost than never to have jizzed at all

a man with a beard is standing in front of a waffle house ALT: a man with a beard is standing in front of a waffle house

I’ll meet you there!

CEO of Waffle House needs to fight someone

Neighbor: Ugh, I have to have a colonoscopy next Tuesday. The joys of getting older right?

Me: Hey, you get to do drugs and butt stuff on a Tuesday. Under different circumstances that could be an alright time

My wife: This is why I tell you not to talk to the neighbors

Don’t worry. I’ve got something romantic planned for this evening

I don’t believe in procrastination. I’ve already got diarrhea and the Super Bowl hasn’t even started

Smart. Never eat anything bigger than you can shit

I'm on that shitting diet right now. I only eat what I can shit

a man is sitting at a desk with papers on it . ALT: a man is sitting at a desk with papers on it .

I was told hog would be ground

Finna BM in your DM

Converting the local hospital's dialysis machine into a moonshine still.

I once dated an astronaut. But she said I was too grounded for her.

Sex on Fully closed
antidepressants pistachio

🤝

I wanna nut but can’t make it happen

Just found out that boobs are real

I’m obsessed with the fact that there’s a city in Sweden that builds a large straw goat for Christmas every year and people constantly attempt to set it on fire

Same, but with ham

So like a Hallmark Christmas movie but rather than the handsome local guy kissing a woman returning to her small town and rekindling her Christmas spirit it’s just me drunkenly eating an entire honey baked ham by myself and crying

Dads on Me with
Christmas your mom
🤝

Tearing up box

What happened next, well in Whoville they say, the Grinch got wasted day drinking and ruined Christmas dinner with crazy political conspiracy theories

Still my favorite Christmas decoration!

Last night I was visited by 3 ghosts but all they did was talk about my drinking… come to think of it, that may have been an intervention