i don’t really wanna fuck any of the m&ms tbh

Guys The Black Parade is a pretty good album. I don't know if anyone's said that before.

These guys might be on to something

Some of my creations from art night!

Don't go thinking that you're better than anyone else just because you're a vegan. My cousin Jake was born in Vegas and he's nothing special. Bit of an asshole, actually.

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]

me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit

I used to think I could change the world and now I’m proud of myself for changing my sheets

Game studio announcements be like, “We laid off all your favourite devs! But don’t worry, all the people actually responsible for the horrible decision-making that led to this massive failure are staying on :) and they will still be driving their new Porsches :) all is well!!!!!”

You know what really gets my goat? El chupacabra.

If only these pistachios were as easy to open as emotional wounds.

every time i hear 'please listen carefully as our menu options have changed' i black out and wake up in a cold sweat pressing 0 repeatedly like i'm defusing a bomb

Good morning. Abolish billionaires by any means necessary.

Cat lounging on window sill smoking a cigarette whilst contemplating question of the universe

Thought of the day

DIDDLE DALLY MORE

It's not that I want to be like this, but all of the alternatives seem like a lot of work

Nutella is a great name for a girl.

Sometimes I miss the simple joys of childhood, like eating lead paint chips.

ME: give it to me real good bone daddy

ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON: we’ve talked about this stop calling me that

The weed number is now 582 due to inflation

Will be deleting Spotify

there should be a word for emotionally itchy

I’m just glad that my faith in humanity isn’t alive to see any of this.

Winter Blues ❄️

wow, get a load of those honkers

(i point to the nearby pond, where there is a flock... of flying titties)