Assume the Best: Neville Goddard teaches us to assume the best and live from that assumption.
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AITA (text): So l've got a brother in law, he keeps to himself, a bit of hermit, to the point where social situations scare him and he stays home most of the time. Same thing with his partner. I've got two kids, one 4 and one almost 1. In all 4 years of my oldest's life, he has never made any efforts as an uncle to get to know him, to spend time with him, or ever play with him. He showed up once to his 2nd birthday party but only two deliver a gift from his parents because they couldn't make it, didn't bring his own gift or card for my son, didn't say hello or happy birthday to him, and left with his partner after half an hour after they stood in a corner being reclusive the whole time. Even my other guests were like wtf. He's never been to any other birthday party of my son's. I haven't seen his partner probably since then to be honest, so over 2.5 years. Never hear from her at all, she wants nothing to do with us. The brother in the last year has seen us twice when we saw his parents and he made very small chat. Another thing that happened was when I was pregnant with my second baby, we went to a park to meet with my in-laws and the brother to announce the pregnancy. And he showed up like 30-60 minutes late and I asked- oh where's (your partner)? He's like- oh she didn't want to come, this isn't her type of thing

Continued: I said- spending time with family isn't her type of thing? And he got very worked up and angry and left right then. His mother then got so angry at me that I apparently offended her son and opened up a can of worms that she held in for 10 years of how she truly feels about me and all the things I did wrong apparently. After her meltdown at me I spent days crying after while pregnant, had a hard time sleeping as well, and so I decided to call her to have a chat. We had an hour chat where she got worked up again and made up lies of what I said which I called her out on and stood up for myself and brought up more stuff she's held in over the past 10+ years. One of which she got so offended that she couldn't see my first child straight away after he was born and had to wait a few weeks because I was in no state to see anyone at all and had a really brutal two day labour that ended up with an emergency c section and couldn't walk for weeks, had a hematoma burst and was bleeding for months. But yes, it was all about her and what she wanted... Anyway, so now my second child's birthday is coming up and my husband is asking if he can invite his brother. I said-if he asks to come himself, he can but l'm not going out of my way to invite him. He hasn't put any effort in all year to build a relationship with me or my children apart from showing his face twice, has no clue about any of their interests, has never played with them ever, doesn't act like an uncle at all. If he wants to show up to special events he needs to do better than that all year. How do I know he's going to show up just to show his face and stand in a corner and not even try to interact with my children? They deserve better than that. So he can make an effort to build a relationship all year and then we'll see about the next birthday party. My siblings overseas make way more of an effort and they're much younger and sit and read books to my oldest. Anyway, what I say makes sense right?

My reply: Social anxiety is debilitating. It's literally an invisible disability, and unless you've experienced it it's so difficult to understand how awful it is. He doesn't want to be this way and I bet even bringing a present is a huge effort. You have every right to have your feelings about it, but please try to understand disability a little bit more. Some people with severe agoraphobia still go to work but can't do anything else. Just read up a little more on panic disorder and social anxiety disorders 3m Like Reply in you don't think it's a huge effort, as in seriously awful to be sitting at panic attack level for hours on end and trying not to make everyone uncomfortable, then you're lacking a lot of information and understanding. These people still need people, they still need to feel seen, but it's incredibly hard for them. Invite him, let him decline, it'll help him cope. Sometimes our anger makes us want to punish people, but i assure you for people with social anxiety life is punishment enough.

Continued: I also don't think it's productive to call anyone an asshole. To me it's just a matter of interpreting behaviour in the most cynical way possible, I really hope anyone who reads my reply here knows that you're not an arsehole, you just don't have this experience, and you can easily understand more... just go to the blogs of these people and understand their inner conflicts. None of us are perfect, most of us are doing our best (not some objective standard of best, just what we're all capable at any given time). (l'm a counsellor)

#ableism #mentalhealth #assumethebest

Red is initial post. Green are my replies.

#anxietydisorders