I got my phone bill earlier and it came to over £200

That's the last time I ring 'Stuttering Sluts Live'

#FridayFuckology

The Beatles should have made the submarine in their song green

That would've been sublime

#FridayFuckology

a blue block with an angry face is shown ALT: a blue block with an angry face is shown

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes

It's really come in handy this parallelogram season

#FridayFuckology

a flamingo wearing a cowboy hat is dancing ALT: a flamingo wearing a cowboy hat is dancing

When my boss ordered me to stop impersonating a flamingo at work

I had to put my foot down

#FridayFuckology

a statue of a woman with her mouth open and the website scandyfactory.com in the corner ALT: a statue of a woman with her mouth open and the website scandyfactory.com in the corner

I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex

That way she deflates much quicker

#FridayFuckology

ice cube is wearing a plaid shirt and looking at the camera with a serious look on his face . ALT: ice cube is wearing a plaid shirt and looking at the camera with a serious look on his face .

I've discovered that I have a superpower

I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them

It takes a while though

#FridayFuckology

a skeleton wearing glasses holds a cell phone ALT: a skeleton wearing glasses holds a cell phone

*shuts down laptop* I think that's enough internet for today

*picks up phone* Let's see what the pocket sized internet is doing

#FridayFuckology

a man in a suit sits at a desk with a phone ALT: a man in a suit sits at a desk with a phone

Not being able to finish a crossword

Really gets one down

#FridayFuckology

Your Mum asked me how to make dill bread

For some reason she wasn't happy when I told her to use a dill dough

#FridayFuckology

a man and a woman are standing next to each other and the man is saying we have a sort of support group . ALT: a man and a woman are standing next to each other and the man is saying we have a sort of support group .

I’ve been attending my positive thinking course

It’s shit

#FridayFuckology

Jesus spent his time among the mentally ill, those possessed by demons, the poor, the unemployed, the prostitutes

So, in a way, by being on X, I’m just like him

#FridayFuckology

two women are talking into a microphone and one of them is saying " you " ALT: two women are talking into a microphone and one of them is saying " you "

Do you ever kiss a girl and think of all the penis shes had in her mouth?

You will now

#FridayFuckology

a man in a white shirt is sitting on a boat in the water . ALT: a man in a white shirt is sitting on a boat in the water .

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper

"I was just thinking the exact same thing"

#FridayFuckology

a baby wearing a shirt that says " the wildes " drinks from a cup ALT: a baby wearing a shirt that says " the wildes " drinks from a cup

A man with authority walks into a bar

He orders everyone a round

#FridayFuckology

a small hamster is drinking water from a bottle . ALT: a small hamster is drinking water from a bottle .

Me: It doesn't have a tail, so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster

Tech support: *sigh* Fine. Right click on your hamster...

#FridayFuckology

#FridayFuckology #SelfLoveWas

a cartoon illustration of a glass of milk with arms and legs and a thought bubble that says meh ALT: a cartoon illustration of a glass of milk with arms and legs and a thought bubble that says meh

I used to be a "glass half full" kind of person

As I've gotten older, I'm more of a "Where'd I put my glass?" kind of person

#FridayFuckology

a crab is sitting on a window sill with a fork in its mouth . ALT: a crab is sitting on a window sill with a fork in its mouth .

My friend's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how he died really

He was killed by a giant crab

#FridayFuckology

a man in a white chef 's jacket is standing with his hands on his hips in front of a refrigerator . ALT: a man in a white chef 's jacket is standing with his hands on his hips in front of a refrigerator .

My dad used to slave 12 hours a day to put food on the table

I've never known a man cook so fucking slowly

#FridayFuckology

a cartoon character , popeye , and a woman are standing next to each other . ALT: a cartoon character , popeye , and a woman are standing next to each other .

Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's chicken

Was cooked in olive oil

#FridayFuckology

a man with a beard is laying in bed with his eyes closed . ALT: a man with a beard is laying in bed with his eyes closed .

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions

#FridayFuckology

a man wearing a pair of goggles looks at the camera with his mouth open ALT: a man wearing a pair of goggles looks at the camera with his mouth open

Repost this if your retirement plan is basically

'Civilization will probably crumble before I'm 65 and money will be meaningless anyway'

#FridayFuckology

a man in a tuxedo is being attacked by two women in a movie and they are talking about a dollar . ALT: a man in a tuxedo is being attacked by two women in a movie and they are talking about a dollar .

What's is six inches long, two inches wide, and women can't wait to get their hands on it?

A hundred-dollar bill

#FridayFuckology

Men are a lot like infants

If you want to shut them up, put your boobs in their mouth

#FridayFuckology

a woman in a yellow dress is dancing on a stage ALT: a woman in a yellow dress is dancing on a stage

"What's the quickest way to Cork?" I asked the Irish Farmer

"Are you walking or driving?" He said

"Driving" I replied

"Yes, that will be the quickest"

#FridayFuckology

baby shark do do doo do do doo do do doo do do doo do do doo do do doo ALT: baby shark do do doo do do doo do do doo do do doo do do doo do do doo

A baby shark asks his dad, "Why do we swim around people and show them our fin before eating them?"

"They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first"

#FridayFuckology

a little boy is playing a drum on an airplane while a woman watches . ALT: a little boy is playing a drum on an airplane while a woman watches .

I started a band called 999 Megabytes

We still haven’t got a gig

#FridayFuckology

a group of people are standing around a stage while a woman with crutches is dancing . ALT: a group of people are standing around a stage while a woman with crutches is dancing .

I'm in a amauter dramatics society and I broke my leg onstage

I'm still in the cast though

#FridayFuckology

a close up of a man wearing glasses and a mustache . ALT: a close up of a man wearing glasses and a mustache .

Whoever came up with the word dentures

Really missed the opportunity to call them "substitooths"

#FridayFuckology

a man wearing a skirt and socks sits on a couch ALT: a man wearing a skirt and socks sits on a couch

I am not a bad influence

I am a boundary expander

#FridayFuckology