Nineveh La Luz Herrera 8m • 6 I'm a funny sort when I sit back and think about it. So many nights I've wanted to be leaning my head out someone's car window, vibing to loud music, drinking in the cool night air as my hair whips my cheeks. So many nights I've wanted company and I've wanted to have affection and I've wanted to be flirted with and I've wanted to dance. And on every single one of those nights, I've known perfectly well I could go out and get it without much trouble. I will be honest with you. I don't understand the tension. Why don't I? It's not rhetorical. Maybe I thought I had reasons a month or two ago but now l realize I have no idea why I don't move closer to what I feel l want. Is it momentum? The truth is I think it's habit. For seven months or so I've been in a serious self-discovery mission, a shadow exploration, an observation mission; a mourning and purifying mission. I've had my head down with no intention to do anything else but find clarity, find the needles in the haystack, heal myself. And one morning, finally realized that my posture is habit, no longer an involuntary reaction to debilitating pain. I'm not in that agony anymore. In fact, I feel stifled and nearly imprisoned by the very walls that have sheltered me & kept me safe recently. I realize that as vehemently as I sought shelter and isolation, I suddenly feel l must break free from it. It truly is spring. At the same time, despite the many relationships I've had, the many broken hearts, the many shattered dreams, the many blushing idealistic, fantasies, the many lessons I've learned from all these hearts... I feel brand new. I feel I have no idea what exactly I want! And therefore no idea how to get it. I feel alarmingly naive and thirsty, as if I want to throw myself into the middle of a hungry crowd. I feel desperate to beat the clock as if death is racing for me as if I owe a stifling, suffocating end overloaded with ennui for all my misguided attempts to grab happy-ever-afte…
💖 State of the UNION #Love #Isolation #Grief #Healing #Spring #Hope #Instinct
