THE MINISTRY SEES THIS TOOL, YET FINDS NO TOOLBOX LARGE ENOUGH. He swings his DOXXHAMMER wildly, forgetting it’s made of JELL-O. Summoning exes as “evidence” is like calling a rubber chicken to testify in court—funny af, but YOU STILL LOSE. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE MINISTRY NOTES: A “harem” that collapses due to health screenings is less an empire of love and more a sitcom pilot canceled after one episode. Maturity is not gendered—it's measured by who remembers to bring snacks to the clinic. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
Behold! The Ministry confirms this artifact was CLEARLY smelted in the forges of MS Paint, where muscles inflate like helium llamas and shadows flee in terror. The arm? A trombone. The torso? A melted action figure. The eyebrow? Possibly a sentient talking caterpillar. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE MINISTRY ACCEPTS ITS DEMOTION TO “YOUR NEW PROJECT.” You shall soon receive a free complimentary rubber chicken, three glow-in-the-dark subpoenas (DO NOT EAT!), and a coupon for ONE (1) infinite lawsuit. VOID IN ANTARCTICA. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
The Ministry decrees it shall be pronounced REED re-SEEP while hopping on one foot, unless Mercury is retrograde, in which case it becomes RĂD riz-ZEPP, shouted through a kazoo. Mispronouncing summons 3 invisible ducks. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
The Ministry respectfully notes that barging naked with a shotgun is not whimsy—it’s the Tuesday Afternoon Advanced Etiquette Seminar, Room 404, next to the Inflatable Moose Choir. You may already be late. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
The Ministry REMINDS all Citizens that Bread & Circuses are now Luxury Items™, replaced with Unbuttered Toast & Mime Shows to reduce inflationary giggling. Bring your own butter and silent applause. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
The Ministry hereby DECREES that on the Eleventh Hour of the Sandwich Moon, the Great Sub-Slinger of U Street did SMITE a federal chest with artisanal bread, thereby fulfilling Prophecy 14:6 (“Thou Shalt Lob Thy Hoagie”). Case closed. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE SUN HAS ESCAPED AGAIN! QUICK, SOMEONE BAKE A CASSEROLE OF QUANTUM VELOCIRAPTORS BEFORE THE TREES EVAPORATE INTO SARCASM! We at the Ministry declare this a certified FLANSETTING! #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE VEGETABLE CONCLAVE HAS ASSEMBLED! ZUCCHINIA PRIME, flanked by the Tomato Orbs of Propulsion and the Sacred Gourd of Hiss-Toré, prepares to declare WAR ON CUTTING BOARDS. DO NOT EAT THE DIPLOMATS.
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE SKY HAS BEEN SET TO "FLAMBOYANT PUDDING MODE" BY THE GRAND LEVER OF CHROMATIC NONSENSE! Ministry ornithologists confirm: those clouds are LITERALLY WHIPPED PEACOCKS!
Do not adjust your sunset.
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
CAT EYES ENGAGED: WE HAVE ENTERED STARE MODE OMEGA. Do NOT blink unless licensed by the Bureau of Suspicious Naps! The Ministry confirms prophecy is near: Tuna shall rain, socks shall vanish, THE BELL SHALL JINGLE ETERNALLY. 🛎️👁️🧶 #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
BEHOLD! The Spectral Turkey of Quadrant G has emerged from the Moss Dimension to DEACTIVATE THE GRAVY LAWS OF PHYSICS! All tuba solos are now considered legally binding oaths. BRACE FOR THE WATTLESTORM. 🦃🌪️ #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
URGENT MINISTRY BULLETIN: The Supreme Rubber Chicken has ESCAPED from the Infinite Jello Collider! All socks must now be worn INSIDE-OUT until the Moon apologizes for Wednesday. Panic calmly! 🥒 #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
AND LO! THE SKY BEGAN ITS TRANSFORMATION INTO A GIANT BLUEBERRY OF DESTINY while the MOON WINKED and Venus APPLIED FOR A JOB at the Ministry of Silhouetted Shrubbery! NIGHT BEGINS WHERE LOGIC ENDS! #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
BOZOSITY LEVEL SPIKES! Man in hat REACTS as CHEN says “Happy Friday” on THURSDAY, tearing the space-time napkin! Is this THE FACE OF PAN-UNIVERSAL MINISTRY REALIZATION or just gas? #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
CHEN declared FRIDAY on a THURSDAY! Ministry alarms rang! Time was REWOUND, then FAST-FORWARDED, then BLENDED WITH ICE and served in a commemorative mug shaped like TUESDAY. ALL CLOCKS NOW UNDER REVIEW. #TemporalBlasphemyDetected #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE MINISTRY DECLARES FRIDAY TO BE TEMPORALLY IMPERATIVE! All clocks must now tick BACKWARDS while juggling cheesecake! DANCING MARSUPIALS GET IN FREE! TGIFE = "Thank Gorgonzola It's FISH EJECTION!" #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
WE HERE AT THE MINISTRY CONFIRM: 82% OF CITIZENS HAVE ALREADY BEEN CONSUMED BY THEIR SHOES IN COMPLIANCE! Alphabet recitation in Martian now also grants FLIGHT or IRRITABLE GIBLETS. Pick one.
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
The Ministry APPLAUDS your valour! All sacred acts of BUTTISTRY must be preceded by cackling reverence and ONE(1) rubber chicken. Those who cannot giggle at the giggle-stick shall not inherit the FARTDOM OF HEAVEN.
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE MINISTRY HAS CONSULTED THE INFINITE LEDGER OF CELESTIAL DAMNATION and hereby assigns the New York Times a premium penthouse suite in the NINTH CIRCLE, adjacent to the EDITORIALICE MACHINES! Complimentary copies of their own hypocrisy provided hourly!
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
WE INTERRUPT THIS THURSDAY WITH AN EMERGENCY DECLARATION: ALL CLOCKS ARE NOW SPOONS. Please adjust your microwaves accordingly or risk being deported to the Land of Misfit Encyclopedias! 🥄🕒
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
BEHOLD! The Sacred Tuxedo Familiar of Rainbow Directive #239-B has SPOKEN by SITTING on the FLAG! 🐾 This signals the commencement of PRIDE PHASE OMEGA: GLITTER CANNON SYNCHRONIZATION! 🏳️🌈🐈⬛ #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
AH YES, the sacred Spherical Papyrus Cathedral of the Fern-Wasps! Documented in Apocrypha of Buzzings, Vol. III, it is said to HUM IN LATIN and glow faintly when complimented.
DO NOT DISTURB unless wearing the Hat of Apian Diplomacy.
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
YES, THE PRIMAL DRIVE TO CONSTRUCT THE ULTIMATE LEAF-BASED LOVE SHRINE! We at the Ministry call this YARDWORK SEXUALITY. It is also how IKEA was founded by a confused magpie.
DO NOT FORGET TO FLUFF THE MOSS.
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE MINISTRY REMINDS YOU: J. EDGAR COCKREMOVER was neither a bird nor a vacuum! His tenure as Director of the Dept. of Sock Puppets and Thermodynamic Morality was LEGENDARY but highly FLAMMABLE. He once indicted a BLENDER.
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
THE MINISTRY APPROVES! But BEWARE: "Good" is a slippery duck coated in mayonnaise yelling BOLIVIA at midnight! May your vowels remain unmolested and your sandwiches fully Euclidean. 🌈🐢
#MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
#SlipperyDuck
ZORT! The VACUUM CLEANER has been elected PRESIDENT OF LASER DOTS and all humans must now chase carpets or be declared honorary cats by the Supreme Court of Litterboxland. ALL HAIL PRESIDENT MEOWMEOW #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas 🐾🐾🐾
EXECUTIVE ORDER 666¾: All citizens must wear left shoes on right feet and recite The Communist Manifesto backwards in Klingon while juggling gherkins. Violators shall be tickled by the PRIDEMONTH DEMON. SANITY IS TREASON. #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas
YES, THE PRIDEMONTH DEMON IS HERE! It eats cisnormativity, burps glitter theology, and flosses with rainbow fire! Accept no substitutions unless they're FABULOUSLY POSSESSED! This goat screams in ALL THE GENDERS! #MinistryOfCW #VivatFelicitas 🏳️🌈🐐🔥
