#MorningGrump

I didn't know my uncle had dentures until it came out in conversation.

#MorningGrump

Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?", I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn..?"

#MorningGrump

I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.

#MorningGrump

I found a book called "How to solve 50% of your problems". So I bought two copies. Problems solved!

#MorningGrump

You never realize how many people you don’t like until you try to name a baby.

#MorningGrump

I bought myself a 25 piece patio set: a lounging chair and a 24 pack of beer.

#MorningGrump

So, Easter commemorates when Jesus hid eggs for the disciples to find, and then he turned all the rabbits into chocolate, right?

#MorningGrump

At this time 6 years ago, it was illegal for people to be within 6-feet of me. Sometimes, I miss that.

#MorningGrump

Today is April Fools’ Day.
Believe nothing and trust no one.
Just like any other day.

#MorningGrump

I came home to find my wife standing in the bedroom wearing nothing but riding boots and holding a whip. "Great," I said. "Where the hell are we going to keep a horse?"

#MorningGrump

Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.

#MorningGrump

You want to get noticed? Forget social media. Go jogging without moving your arms, down by your side.

#MorningGrump

I never understood women's cat obsession. Independent, ignores you, won’t come when called, disappears all night, and when it’s home it just wants to sleep. Basically, every trait women can’t stand in a man… suddenly they adorable in a cat.

#MorningGrump

I’m an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.

#MorningGrump

I’m an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.

#MorningGrump

Apparently some don't realize that you can see through glass. Therefore... Stop picking your nose while driving!

#MorningGrump

I just put an electric fence around my property. The neighbour was shocked.

#MorningGrump

A friend asked me what spiders eat. I told him to go check on the web…

#MorningGrump

Sometimes the most healing conversations happen between your thoughts and a quiet horizon.

#MorningGrump

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

#MorningGrump

I just cleaned out my junk drawer if anyone needs a CD to reinstall Windows 95.

#MorningGrump

You're naturally beautiful? Mind if I test that out with a wet wipe?

#MorningGrump

Got drunk last night and did my income taxes. I’m getting back $4 million this year!

#MorningGrump

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

#MorningGrump

If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just how many industries would go out of business?

#MorningGrump

Hey buddy, your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC.

#MorningGrump

Admit it… we all know someone who reminds us of a software update. Whenever we see them, we usually think "not now".

#MorningGrump

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

#MorningGrump

They say with age comes wisdom. So I don’t have wrinkles, they are wise cracks.

#MorningGrump

I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.