Alone I’ve never forgotten the kid I used to be. He lived alone in a series of cars at 17. Mom knew I was living rough. She provided the mostly stolen cars. That kid graduated from high school, while holding down a job that year. After I lost the shame of homelessness, I’ve always been proud of that kid and me. I’ve always loved movies. He would escape from solitude at the movies all day. Though he spoke to no one, he was still surrounded by people. That somehow made him feel better. He was alone, and that became a way of life. I have never gone to the movies alone since then. The thought of doing it even now makes me cry. I’m not going to the movies alone today, though. I’m taking him with me. We are going to enjoy the hell out of it. Sci-Fi has improved since his day, it would have put this Atari kid in shock. For me… When the movie is over, and I’m squinting in the bright sunshine, I won’t feel so alone anymore. -JSC

Alone
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The Trees For the Forest My view of life is shifting. I used to fixate on all the bad. Now I’m remembering all the good. I’d forgotten so many great people in my life. That makes me sad. In particular Berty Samuels, who seemed ancient to me. Always with cookies and conversation. The last delivery on my paper route, so I had time to visit. She wanted to hear about my day when no others did. Looking back, I was jaded from a young age. I couldn’t see the good trees in a forest of bad ones. Now I’m involuntarily being switched to the light side of optimism. All the good memories shine brightly now. It’s a better state of mind. It’s happier and more carefree. Bad things will still roll my way, but I’m not naive. That’s what contingency plans are for. Now I’m also planning for good stuff to come my way. The forest is suddenly new and filled with entirely new trees.

The Trees For the Forest
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Accentuate The Positives I can remember when I was three. The people who shine the brightest in my memory were kind to me. Not with gifts or money but with time, love and attention. The old couple that took care of me when my dad worked. The teenager who took my training wheels off my Evil Knievel bike then taught me how to ride it with his Dad’s army jacket for padding. So many more, some unnamed, but still remembered. Blessings shining through dreariness. I hope my kindness shines through in people’s memories of me. Without kindness we are all simply savages. It’s all about love for all the people that come into your life. Kids matter too… sometimes more. Those are the memories I choose to accentuate. These are the people and times worth remembering. -JSC

Accentuate The Positives
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Every Day is New It’s a new day, before dawn, and it’s filled with possibilities. Historically I’ve missed the good ones. I never glimpsed them until recently. I’ll be damned if the world didn’t open up as soon as I did. What are we doing today, Pinky? We’re trying to take over the world. Still writing, still in IT, in a different place and with a completely new mindset. I’m standing on the cliff, only waiting for a job offer to make my jump. I’m not falling this time. This will be a powered ascent. Rising into a future that holds more promise than ever before. My hope is at a level I’d never dared to dream. Every day is new… and I hold tight to each damn one and squeeze out every drop of good from it I can. Let’s see what the new me can make of this new life. Watch me! It’ll be a hell of a lot. -JSC

Every Day is New
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A Lifetime Of Not Reaching I stood down from a life of hypervigilance four months ago. It has changed me internally and my whole life as a result. All because I will no longer accept being the lesser. I’m demanding more for the first time. Not anything I haven’t earned. Yet more than I’ve ever demanded. I may even have a knack for it. Two months ago, I thought I was up for a promotion. Now I’m up for a real promotion with a whole other company. The lesser: the one who gets the smallest share, while doing most of the work. Which isn’t me and that shit no longer flies. I’m taking up my space and claiming what’s mine. Pretty fucking refreshing after a lifetime of not reaching. -JSC

A Lifetime Of Not Reaching
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The Next One The next one will be kind. I never thought I deserved kindness before. I’m demanding it now. I’m tired in my soul of unkindness. The most tiring, those that I loved who were unkind in return. She’ll need museum gloves. When she touches my heart for the first time, she’ll want to be careful. I’ve rebuilt it in a titanium kintsugi style. No one has touched it in years… It’s a work of art now and they’ll adore it. Every heart is a work of art and should be handled with care and love. Life has never been perfect, but it’s more wonderful by the minute. I’m on the road to true happiness. So, the next one must be somewhere up ahead. I want a lot of things in our relationship. What I need throughout is kindness… for us both. -JSC

The Next One
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Do You? I don’t really like pina coladas, but I do love getting caught in the rain. I’m not a cheater though, and there are more important things than champagne. Do you want to cook together and dance around the kitchen? Could we talk over dinner and want to hear about each other’s day? After the dishes are done, at the end of it all, will you swat me on the butt and tell me “Good game”? Could we hold hands a LOT, even while driving? I know they say to keep two hands on the wheel. I feel rebellious, how about you? I’ll always try to understand your feelings, and hope the same from you. Could we create and sustain a love that’s built to last? Would you fight for us, in hard times, like I would too? Do you have stick-to-itiveness, because I certainly do. Sure, you’ve had sex… but have you had all of the above? That’s making love… every day. -JSC

Do You?
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She Has Been Uninstalled She’d been installed for years, running in a loop in the back of my head, and I thought she was an integral part. My CPU was always maxed… my display always a little twisted. I had enough and uninstalled her program last night. My free system resources shot through the roof. She’s gone and not even her ghost remains. It’s liberating… my world is my own again. It’s long past time for that whole world to change. There’s a muck free zone where she used to reside. It took years of work to get that muck out. It’s fabulous now! I don’t know what to put there yet… maybe a nice chaise lounge or a beautiful davenport. One of the last stresses in my life is gone. I thought she’d been gone for a while, but uninstalling her completely did the trick. No antivirus was required. -JSC

She Has Been Uninstalled
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Moving Along I needed to move along long ago. I couldn’t take the ghost of her into a new relationship. Last night I finally freed myself from her haunting. I even gave her the last few feeble words. Then blocked her everywhere, for the first time ever. Others in the past received the same treatment. I never thought she’d be one of them. This morning, there’s immense relief. The dreary clouds lifted from my life. Peace of mind is paramount… something I never had with her. My recent poems have been about moving on. I finally removed the last thing holding me back. It was time. She wasn’t worthy. But neither was I… until I finally let her go. -JSC

Moving Along
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Enough Only after anger burns out and hurt finally simmers down can you find closure. I tried every angry way I knew to force finality. None worked. I accept who and what she is now. A leopard can’t change its spots. She was never going to change for me. It doesn’t matter anymore. My ego no longer runs this show. I wished her well and thanked her for her poetry encouragement. All tucked neatly into one succinct paragraph. I got all the classics: “it’s not you, it’s me”, “you deserve better” and “keep in touch”. All the closure I’ll ever get… Still, the boulder of her lifted. My mind, heart, and soul felt buoyant. Finally, it’s enough. Now I can go back to my skies. While she continues life however she does. She mentioned she’s on to the next victims. I wish her well. But karma bills come due eventually. -JSC

Enough
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Dangerous Women If she isn’t a dangerous woman… I’ll pass. They demand respect but also give it where it’s due. Without that respect, you might as well pound sand. You will not pass. They erect tall mental walls, but I have climbing gear. A dangerous woman is worth the ascent. If she’s not fiery, she‘s warm or tepid… Brr! I want a woman so blazing I could get a suntan. Dangerous women are eternal flames with bonfires in their hearts. I’ve always been enamored with strong women, and without a doubt dangerous women are strong. You can trust a dangerous woman to have your back. Especially when she’s in love with you. Woe to anyone who attacks that way. I’m not a weak man and my soul burns. I also can get dangerous when needed. A tepid partner eventually burns up in my flame and floats away like ash in the wind. Someday I’ll find a dangerous woman Then we’ll start a fucking bonfire. -JSC

Dangerous Women
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Fight For You Women have told me that they’d fight for me. I never actually found one that meant it though. Maybe that’s me. It could be that I’m not worth fighting for. It stings to even think it. But the preponderance of the evidence indicates it’s true. Maybe that’s why people stay alone later in life, for they found it to be a fact. I won’t believe that bullshit though. As so many beliefs in my life go, I know I’m here. I also know that I fight for far too long for anything I truly believe in. With billions on Earth, my counterpoint is out there. The funny thing is, when I find her, She’ll be worth fighting for, but I’d never have to. Not with her anyway. -JSC

Fight For You
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Life Snowballs People that let their lives snowball are usually fucking up. Because we all know from cartoons, it usually doesn’t end well. Eventually leading over a cliff… to disastrous results. I’m not talking about that kind of snowball here. But what if you started small, say the summit of a gigantic four diamond mountain? You find a clear run to the lodge, and you start tiny. Little personal changes here and there. Internally compacting old shitty patterns and trauma along the way. Expelling that crap to the side of the trail like the garbage it was. The snowball continues to grow… You don’t let it roll away, and you keep control. Keep building on it, with bigger life changes, and more self-discovery. You plan for the future as far downslope as you can. Eventually that snowball grows so gigantic, you can’t hold it back. Then… Let that monster rip! You let go… As it progresses down the hill, all you can do is watch, live your life, and notice your happiness grow. Amazed at what you’ve done. I’ve set my plans in action and let them rip! I feel fucking amazing watching the snowball grow into the size of a globe. Where will it hit? Wait and see! Inside hint… I’d watch out in that resort down there. -JSC

Life Snowballs
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The Recipe of a Dream Woman Who is she, this dream woman who keeps visiting? She can’t have returned yet because I’ve had no time to dream and only slightly more to sleep. A raven-haired woman with silver streaks… I have had a twist about black hair since I was a boy in the Air Force. The added grey streak… that’s a much more recent kink. Is she everything I want? I wouldn’t know… she’s hitting all the notes right so far. Witty and smart with a dry sense of humor… the darker the better. Brash or quiet, but always fiery and beautiful. Gentle of heart but not to be reckoned with. A dichotomy as much as me. There’s excitement in a powerful multi-faceted woman. She’d be all that and more. Anything more and the universe is showing off. To which all I can say is, “Bring it!” A woman like that, I’d take a lifetime to learn. Even at the end of it all, she’d still be surprising me every day. If I could tailor a dream… That’s the recipe for the woman that belongs there. -JSC

The Recipe of a Dream Woman
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Life is Love Love is a verb when done right. But it’s a noun when it’s only talk. If you only talk about love, then you don’t love. Because love is action, words of love without movement… are lies. Love is always a work in progress. I put energy into it every day. Love is fire, that must be tended for the pyre to grow. And a bonfire is what I’m looking for. There’ll be no other woman but her. When I’m burning, I’m in all the way. Who wouldn’t grow love and make the most out of it? Love shouldn’t be wasted or squandered. It’s joyous work and I’m enamored with all of it. If love is too much effort... what are they doing with their life unlived? I have pity for them… life is love and they’re missing out. I won’t make the same mistake. -JSC

Life is Love
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Take Off My Armor I don’t need a woman that stands behind me… I want her to walk beside me but have my back. Those two women are as different as night and day. Someone who would have my back is a scrapper who stands behind no one. One that’s fought battles in life and lived to tell the tales. She may be dainty, but she’ll be ferocious all the same. Except at home… there are no battles to be won or lost in our sanctuary. At home we take off the armor we both wear to fight the world. With her I’d be safe as she’d be with me. Consideration, kindness and love demand that. While honesty, friendship. and integrity make it all work. I can’t spend a life in this armor, but I can’t seem to take it off without assistance. Do you know how hard steel plate is to take off? Or how tempting to keep it off once you do? I don’t but I’d love to find out. -JSC

Take Off My Armor
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If I Could Leave a Mark On You If I could leave a mark on you… I’d permanently mark my name on your heart and place a lasting impression on your soul. Nothing to be seen, only marks to be felt. Durable marks… that last a lifetime. Tattoos created with love and kindness. I don’t need anyone to see them… not even you. But if you felt them, it would launch me into the stratosphere. A fire growing in your heart on its way to a bonfire. The warmth spreading through your soul. Not to consume… for this fire would never burn you. Only to unite with the bonfire in my own heart. You make wondrous dreams, Even if they’re only pipe dreams. But dreams are worthy of having… because some people are worth believing in. -JSC

If I Could Leave a Mark On You
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I Hope She Comes Back I’ve been talking with a woman in my dreams. Three straight nights now. She uses a hard H in “wHatever”. For which we tease each other mercilessly. She's a hell of a conversationalist, brunette, and knockout gorgeous. That’s all I can say. That all came back in a flash right now. The wisp of her evaporated immediately the last three mornings. She’s only shadow, mist, and feeling even now. I hope she comes back… even more if she stays. It’s spellbinding to talk with her… even if she’s only a dream girl. -J

I Hope She Comes Back
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Intentional Grounding If I work at home for the day, Willy demands I take regular outside breaks. He doesn’t use the facilities all the time, but that’s not his goal. I work intensely and write even more so. A digital watch will tell you to get up and stretch. Willy will force the behavior with cold nosed mouse and arm bumps. Somehow, he knows that I need to be pulled outside, aired out, and firmly grounded periodically. So, every ninety minutes to two hours max. Like my little drill Sgt…. off we go. Even still, I go for the walk, breathe in the light, and he decides how quickly we’ll return. For the boy is an anchor until he is ready. Only if I close my eyes, and take five mindful breaths, when I need to get back, will he then huff lightly to say, “Alright, you relaxed enough and may return.” I then return to work invigorated… Thank you, Sgt, Willis. -JSC

Sometimes healing looks like:
taking a walk because your dog said so. 🐕
Intentional Grounding
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Someone Long conversations are sexy and there’s no other way to get to know someone. Getting to know someone raises the heat, a heat for me that won’t build without it. Reading and learning are hot as hell. I haven’t read a lot recently, but I’m well read. Reading is gaining experience you never had to bleed for. There is nothing hotter than a woman that’s well read. Women can stun you in any of their varieties. With them, it’s certain that covers don’t always match the book. No matter the cover, it’s their brilliant inner lights that matter. If they blind you, buy a ton of sunglasses and run that way, full speed. Someday I’ll meet her… my someone. Until then, I’ll walk on with the search for her always in mind. We won’t miss each other. While she’ll shine brilliantly… I’m lit up like a lighthouse too. -JSC

Someone
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A Narcissist’s Son I always was a huge and a strident momma’s boy. My mom did terrible things, but you don’t know that when you’re seven. That’s about the only love you’re getting with dad never home. It trains you quickly to work for even the smallest show of affection. That is a simulated love and affection when you’re a child of a narcissist. Nothing you could do or say would ever actually make them love you. And breadcrumbs fed to a little child ends up starving the child their whole life. Emotional underdevelopment and a malformed trust system are only the start. My mom did me wrong so badly that I would go without talking to her for a year. She always weaseled her way back in… repeatedly and I always let her. That all changed when she shit on my daughters… that simply wouldn’t stand. You can shit on me all you want for 38 years to be exact, but do it to my kids and I was done forever. Or so I thought… I’m a well-trained narcissist’s supply. Love is pain, loss, abandonment, and shame. Until I get over that, her legacy lives on... in me. -JSC

A Narcissist’s Son
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Good Into Better I had an amazing moment… now to make that into a movement. It’s funny, I became so skilled at transmuting bullshit into what I needed that transforming good into better seems like it would be easy. I’m here to tell you that it’s a different process. No self-flagellation, self-deprecation, or any other tomfoolery required. It’s a completely different animal, and this one’s not a beast. I always felt bad before and my motivation was for life to not seem so terrible. Changing good into better is so refreshing it feels like standing under a cool waterfall and letting all the years of working with self-doubt wash away. It’s the only baptism I’ve ever had. Maybe it’s the only one I’ll ever need. To say things are looking up would be a drastic understatement. I feel like I’m in a hot air balloon and all of my past problems are far below me. Next stop, the airport… because it’s time to get an even better look up. -JSC

Good Into Better
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My Heart is Soft I think one of the prerequisites of knowing yourself is to never harden your heart. If you’ve covered yours in cement, you won’t know yourself until you chip that shit away. Love is of paramount importance and if you said, “It’s not for me!” I’d suspect you really didn’t know yourself and probably will be sent back to earth again… to be a cat. I never hardened my heart… through everything. I always knew there were people all over that had it worse than me. If you’ve lost empathy for your fellow humans, I suspect you too will return to earth… as a slug. Love is what this game is about and I know that for certain. It’s the only thing that repels darkness… at least for me. My heart is soft and always ready to love. Now I can use that love for myself. If I’m right, maybe I don’t have to come back. -JSC

My Heart is Soft
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I’m Sorry I’m sorry you couldn’t be what I needed. That the world twisted you so. Wishing you were the person you said you were, or even the person I thought you were. You were worthy of love to me; I gave you mine completely, you never deserved it, and I’m sorry to me for that. I deserve so much better, and I regret I didn’t know. My biggest apology is that I don’t love you anymore and all I have remaining for you is pity. That makes me saddest of all. I thought you were so much more, and I’m sorry for that. -JSC

I'm Sorry
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I’m Sorry I’m sorry you couldn’t be what I needed. That the world twisted you so. Wishing you were the person you said you were, or even the person I thought you were. You were worthy of love to me; I gave you mine completely, you never deserved it, and I’m sorry to me for that. I deserve so much better, and I regret I didn’t know. My biggest apology is that I don’t love you anymore and all I have remaining for you is pity. That makes me saddest of all. I thought you were so much more, and I’m sorry for that. -JSC

I'm Sorry
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New or Old In life the ultimate question may be “New or old?” New thrills, love, and vistas in life or tired disproven romances and landscapes you grew bored of decades ago. The old things grew tired and dingy for me for a reason. To the point that eventually most dragged me down and a few almost dragged me under to my doom. Earth is a classroom, a penitentiary, or an asylum. The older I get the more I suspect it’s all three. What you get here is what you choose to do with it. That’d be the school of hard knocks for most of us. I never sold my soul to anyone for anything. I certainly had no legacy admission like so many evil fucks seemed to have. I tried to do the right thing, the vast majority of times. Never a beggar, even when homeless. Still, I made mistakes young and learned from every damn one. I won’t have to learn solely from mistakes anymore. Those dues have been paid and lessons learned. I choose to learn from new victories. Let new romance, friends, a whole new world teach me what I need to know from here out. Let’s see what new things I get right this time. Instead of how many old mistakes I can repeat. -JSC

New or Old
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Gigantic Love I’m looking for a gigantic love. I want to be consumed with her in the best way. A first and last thought of the day love. No butterflies, no nervousness. Instead, a surety, an “I know you”, and a feeling of home that travels with us wherever we go. An “I’ll find you in the next life and every life after” love. I want to turn my heart into a bonfire, and this time, not get burned. If her heart doesn’t flame on too, then we should go our separate ways. I don’t half ass love, if I’m in, I’m in all the way because I won’t accept any less. I’ve never had that level of love returned and it’s high time that I did. I fight for love and don’t give up on it easily and she’ll be scrappy about it too. My last and my best. I want to rock with you on the porch of the retirement community, Cowgirl! No small goal but I’m not a small man anymore. I take up space, and she’ll always have a safe place available at my side. The kind of women I like tend to stand where the fuck they want though. -JSC

Gigantic Love
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Let Me Love You Loudly If I love you, I want to love you loudly. I want to scream it from the rooftops and tell everyone that I meet about you. Is there any other way to love? Not for me and never again! I’m not a private person. I lay it all on the line with my heart on my sleeve. To keep love bottled up is to assume it’s small. My love is never small, and it can barely be contained. That’s the right way to love for me. I’m yours and if you’re mine too, there’s no reason not to tell the world. Anything less, and that love will shrink and die in the cold darkness. A love hidden, is a love denied. So, let me love you loudly! Maybe our biggest love ever. Out in the sun for all to see… where it belongs. -JSC

Let Me Love You Loudly
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Upside Down and Shaken When you get down to very little in life… when all your possessions are gone, and you’ve no place of your own, it feels like you’ve been turned upside down and shaken until you become an empty canvas. I was there two years ago. The universe whispered in my ear, “Now this is something you can work with.” On that canvas, I painted a writer and a poet, a confident individuated man, no longer troubled by a rough childhood that was never his fault. That’s who I became with a lot of inner work. Now it’s time to build a life worthy of new me. A love worthy of all that is sure to follow. As surely as night follows day. -JSC

Upside Down and Shaken
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The Lonely Road I’m a runner on the starting chocks. But that race isn’t here or at this job. I’m lonely but not coming back this way again after I make my escape. I’m ready to go with no destination in sight. Waiting would be easier with someone, and probably a lot more fun, but that’s not in the cards. I’m walking the next road alone. Honestly, almost every road I walked was alone. And even with a travelling companion, I would carry their load too, until my back broke. I’m healthy and healed from everything that plagued me. My back is strong, I’m right in the head, and I’m ready to go. But… I’d take a little extra load right now, simply for the conversations. -JSC

The Lonely Road
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