#RaptureAlert: Ironically, instead of a net loss in #Christians -- we actually got three of them back. Woooo, #RaptureDay!!! www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDiA...

Dramatic footage shows huge sinkhole swallowing up road in central Bangkok Buildings were evacuated as a massive sinkhole suddenly opened at a busy intersection in the Thai capital. Watch as it happens.

#RaptureAlert: I spoke in haste! A massive #sinkhole just opened up under a building in Asia. Apparently if you are a Puritan eager to see God today, you should have been more willing to #Bangkok. When the bible said "Not everyone goes.", it meant Pickup Truck Guy. www.smh.com.au/world/asia/d...

#RaptureAlert: Official word has come down that no refunds will be given for anyone who accidentally misses the transport to #Heaven. That money has already been re-invested into the #Florida condo market.

#RaptureAlert: Disturbing reports are trickling in that handfuls of scheduled raptures to Cloud City have been cancelled due to #measles outbreak. Turns out, even God knows it's fucking stupid to honor him by contracting an avoidable disease that hasn't been a problem since Y2K.

#RaptureAlert: The county clerk's office in Enid, #Oklahoma has announced that they will be extending their hours in response to this unusual circumstance in order to expedite both "divorce" and "death certificate" filings.

#RaptureAlert: A Christian man was making love to his Jewish wife when he was raptured while she was not. She is currently trawling the docks looking for a quick fix to her problem (death do us part and all that). This appears to be the first ever documented instance of "coitus rapturitis".

#RaptureAlert: The government #Finland has sent out search and rescue (aka "the fjord finders") to confirm that a #Helsinki fisherman caught the biggest zander in history but then was immediately raptured away leaving behind only the fish and a pair of heavily used #finnjagds.

#RaptureAlert: It is currently 1AM in #Minsk, however the #Russian government refuses to release any numbers confirming the total number of people who were seen drifting into the clouds. The head of the Russian Office of Oil and Rapture "jumped" from his balcony several hours ago.

#RaptureAlert: It is currently tomorrow in #Vienna. We are still trying to ascertain exactly how many people never made it to bed last night. Expect the sausage industry to be devastated moving forward.

#RaptureAlert: 22 minutes ago, my hot neighbor said she was going to get us both coffees. The coffee shop is seven minutes away. I may be fucked.