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The lead organizer of SantaCon NYC, an annual Christmas-themed bar crawl, took more than half of the nearly $3 million the event raised for charity since 2021. He was caught by this whistle-blower:

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LEFTOVER JOKES OF EARLY 2026:

Deputy AG Todd Blanche admitted his department is no longer interested in investigating Jeffrey Epstein, probably because the kids got too old.

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BREAKING NEWS: Man who can't speak is launching a podcast

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Bad news: the US military will enforce a blockade on all traffic entering and leaving Iranian ports in the Strait of Hormuz. Worse news: I had to cancel my annual canoe trip.

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A new Gallup survey says heavy social media users are less likely to think democracy is the best form of governing. I agree, insofar that the future of governing is playing “Animal Crossing.”

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The Chicago White Sox are honoring Pope Leo XIV with a souvenir papal hat on August 11th. If you don't buy a ticket, you can still get the hat for 50 Hail Marys.

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REPORT: Man who was worried about getting drafted for Iraq war at 18 now worried about getting drafted for Iran war at age 41

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Nestle reported that about 12 tons (12,100 kg) of KitKats were stolen after leaving its production site in Italy, while 12 tons of Crunch bars are just sitting there, for the taking, if anyone wants them.

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Last night, the US and Iran agreed to an 11th hour two-week ceasefire. I guess if Trump wants to wipe out a whole civilization, he's going to wait until the weather is a little nicer.

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REPORT: rich teenager gets $110 barrel of crude oil for her Sweet 16th

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Jonathan the tortoise, the world’s oldest living land animal, is still alive amid false reports that he died last week at 193. Eh... I know an insurance scam when I see one.

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A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate. Playing “F*** Marry Kill” at family reunions, however is still discouraged but not illegal.

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REPORT: both of Pam Bondi’s ex-husbands forced to admit they don’t have giant, phony knockers

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BREAKING NEWS: AG Pam Bondi fired; to be replaced with Prince Andrew

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Trump: "The conflict in Iran that was definitely nearing completion a month ago is still definitely nearing completion"

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BREAKING NEWS: guy who hates going to court, goes to court, remembers he's in a court, leaves the court

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Trump to suburban, middle-aged white women: “go get your own essential oil”

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NASA will reportedly construct a $20 billion ‌base on the moon’s surface from recycled parts over the next seven years. It’ll be the first time they’ve attempted to build a moonbase since the Cyberman incident.

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The White House passed an executive order ordering DHS to pay TSA officers, while also sending $130,000 to Stormy Daniels, for old times sake.

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Last week, U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to step in after being suspended over concerns about her mental acuity. It was probably a mistake to constantly cite Plessy v. Ferguson in all her rulings.

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BREAKING NEWS: Tiger Woods now two car accidents away from a free medium soft drink

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REPORT: Chicago delivery robot destroys second bus stop, considers mayoral run in 2027

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BREAKING NEWS: embodiment of male insecurity becomes head of Homeland Security

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Leo Radvinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has passed away at age 43. To pay for the funeral and arrangements, his widow has started a Freecams.

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The #WNBA and their players’ union reached a last-minute agreement on Wednesday night. Under the new collective bargaining, players get a comp and a free drink at every game.

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REPORT: Inspired by McDonald’s introducing the Big Arch, White Castle’s CEO unveils their new burger

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An AI agent went rogue and started mining cryptocurrencies, the surprise behavior triggering alarms that autonomous bots could use cryptocurrency as a pathway into the economy without explicit instruction. Not only that, the agent drank craft beers while mansplaining “The Godfather.”

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Following a lawsuit, the Sierra Club released a trove of files from the Department of the Interior that exposed links between agency officials and fossil fuel industry reps, corporate polluters, and right-wing think tanks. Also, I guess Jeffrey Epstein liked trees.

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Timothee Chalamet: "Now that there's nothing at stake, I have some hot takes about chiaroscuro"

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