Clouddrop by Jamie Paige https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3yFpxbP0pc
I'm neither trans nor someone who has dealt with long-lasting depression, but as someone that has nonetheless endured a fair share of loss in my life, its message is so unbelievably strong. I've consumed my fair share of media that have suicidal themes but not a single one has ever felt like a true answer to these kinds of thoughts. It starts off painting such a vivid image of what goes through the mind of someone in such a fragile state. From the subtle resistance and hesitation in "every time I cross the roadside, it always feels a bit too soon." To eloquently describing why someone might stop valuing their own life "Not a single thought inside me that isn't burned with self abuse." These two lyrics alone paint such a vivid image of exactly the kind of mental state that can lead someone to this point. And the single line I think I relate to most, "sometimes I beat myself to death over a pastime" describing how easy it can be to let something you love chip away at you if it isn't pursued in a healthy way. It's an extremely simple statement, but one that chips away at where a large portion of that self-hatred can come from. It's a problem that I have never heard anyone talk about like this. Its so easy to frame a depressive state as something that is only reached when someone stops caring. In contrast, this particular lyric puts things into the complete opposite perspective, demonstrating someone who cares seemingly too much to a point of letting what they love feel overwhelming and outside of their reach. Of not being good enough to enjoy the thing they're supposed to love. And what's left when you start blaming yourself for being unable to enjoy the things that you're supposed to be passionate about? A deep frustration that manifests in a self-destructive cycle. If this is supposed to be my life's passion why can't I do anything right? "I dragged a knife upon my everything and carved the meat to bone"
But yet, even when it manifests into a self hatred, there's something holding you back from giving up entirely. "If I kill myself tomorrow, I wouldn't- have the chance to know" A lyric that is is written to very deliberately emphasize the feeling of getting choked up at the weight of such an action. Then, introspection comes. To actually end your own life means to give up on ever loving anything again. "What's the point in loving anything if you won't be around?" And with this realization, cascades the full impact of what ending life truly means. No one ever wants to kill themselves*, merely to stop suffering amidst the struggle for a better life. "I can't hear the words I want to hear if I let go of life" If you let those thoughts win, your life will be forever cemented as a life of regret. A life unfulfilled. "So Baby do you know what you want to hear? 'cause you can say the word, make it all so clear Or you can sit around, and watch it disappear. So darling, do you know what you want to say? it only takes an instant to slip away. But if you grab ahold, let the message play." These lyrics speak for themselves, they are a call to action. Before you can improve your life, you need to know what you want. When you can put that into words, you have something work towards, because the alternative is that you lose everything including the chance to hear those words for yourself.
Finally, after enduring all of that hardship, we get an honest look into Jamie's own answer to that question, one that may very easily resonate with just about anyone. "I'm not scared of dying, I'm just scared of running dry I wanna save myself from sorrow, thinking pain is justified And if I leave this mortal coil, I deserve to feel some pride I don't want to die tomorrow, I wanna live my fucking life I want to fly I don't wanna die" To refuel and recapture that energy and motivation to live life to the fullest. To recognize that your own suffering is not something you deserve, no matter how much you may want to believe that it is. That if and when death comes for you, that you will have had an experience you can be proud of. To have a new day you can actually wake up to experience, and to experience those days living YOUR life in whatever form that may take. To overcome it all and to free yourself of all of that emotional weight. "Find the northern star and navigate Grab that wheel and break away" Find your reason to keep going on and steer towards it.
Clouddrop
Jamie Paige's answer to suicidal thoughts.
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